I'd like to share straight from my heart today. No filter, just me.
The holidays came and went. Some of us dont have loved ones to share the holidays with. I spent the holidays alone; as I am used to doing by now. I sat in silence mostly. I slept through as much of it as I could so the days would pass, and "Christmas" would be over.
You see, the poor person isnt popular around the holidays. For those of us who cannot afford gifts (of any kind) for others we sit alone during xmas. No calls. No texts. Just silence.
This was so bad this year, i was fighting suicidal thoughts. It got so bad at one point I had made a plan to wait till after the holidays to "do the deed" so that I didnt ruin anyone elses Christmas this year, or in the future.
This is what xmas does to some of us! The consumerism in it all.....is pure evil, people; and this is the affect of that. Unless you are poor, you will not understand, but do you have any idea what it's like to be dismissed because you cant afford presents for other people?? To have no one call you or care if you are okay, or alone, is heart breaking, and one of the main reasons the suicide rate skyrockets during Christmas.
I for one, am sick of this shit.......and it has caused a reaction in me.
First off, no I do not want to die. Today was supposed to be "the day," but instead, I am writing this, for all of us who went thru something similar. I am putting myself out there for all of those who know how this shit feels.
I had such a fight this year that i came closer than I ever have.
and that pissed me off.
To the point that a change is coming for me. I am turning over a new leaf.
The last 5 years or so I have been disciplining myself to be meek. I had wanted to be a more gentle man. I suffer from border line personality disorder, and so my emotions are more powerful than I can handle sometimes, and that makes me very hard to read or understand. I have spent my life being so misunderstood that I have battled taking my own life throughout my time in this world. I wanted to make a change all those years ago, so that I didnt fall victim to my own emotions. I have humbled myself to the floor. I have turned so many cheeks that i have become a door mat to everyone. I have given the last and little bit of what I had, and to people who didnt appreciate it AT ALL.
No more!!
A change is coming and it will be fierce. I will be laying this username to rest and will reincarnate as someone else on here one day. But no more Bodhisattva. Im done with this stage in my life and am seeking to evolve from it.
I am making a plan for my future. I no longer want to teach. I just want to survive.
RIP "BodhisattvaStyle"
Catch ya on the flipside.
I'll be back one day. But with a different username and attitude.No worries tho, Love will still be my guide...
Last time for Bodhi-S..........ONE LOVE ROGUE NATION! Remember to Be kind to one another!!!
The holidays came and went. Some of us dont have loved ones to share the holidays with. I spent the holidays alone; as I am used to doing by now. I sat in silence mostly. I slept through as much of it as I could so the days would pass, and "Christmas" would be over.
You see, the poor person isnt popular around the holidays. For those of us who cannot afford gifts (of any kind) for others we sit alone during xmas. No calls. No texts. Just silence.
This was so bad this year, i was fighting suicidal thoughts. It got so bad at one point I had made a plan to wait till after the holidays to "do the deed" so that I didnt ruin anyone elses Christmas this year, or in the future.
This is what xmas does to some of us! The consumerism in it all.....is pure evil, people; and this is the affect of that. Unless you are poor, you will not understand, but do you have any idea what it's like to be dismissed because you cant afford presents for other people?? To have no one call you or care if you are okay, or alone, is heart breaking, and one of the main reasons the suicide rate skyrockets during Christmas.
I for one, am sick of this shit.......and it has caused a reaction in me.
First off, no I do not want to die. Today was supposed to be "the day," but instead, I am writing this, for all of us who went thru something similar. I am putting myself out there for all of those who know how this shit feels.
I had such a fight this year that i came closer than I ever have.
and that pissed me off.
To the point that a change is coming for me. I am turning over a new leaf.
The last 5 years or so I have been disciplining myself to be meek. I had wanted to be a more gentle man. I suffer from border line personality disorder, and so my emotions are more powerful than I can handle sometimes, and that makes me very hard to read or understand. I have spent my life being so misunderstood that I have battled taking my own life throughout my time in this world. I wanted to make a change all those years ago, so that I didnt fall victim to my own emotions. I have humbled myself to the floor. I have turned so many cheeks that i have become a door mat to everyone. I have given the last and little bit of what I had, and to people who didnt appreciate it AT ALL.
No more!!
A change is coming and it will be fierce. I will be laying this username to rest and will reincarnate as someone else on here one day. But no more Bodhisattva. Im done with this stage in my life and am seeking to evolve from it.
I am making a plan for my future. I no longer want to teach. I just want to survive.
RIP "BodhisattvaStyle"
Catch ya on the flipside.
I'll be back one day. But with a different username and attitude.No worries tho, Love will still be my guide...
Last time for Bodhi-S..........ONE LOVE ROGUE NATION! Remember to Be kind to one another!!!