I need to rant (how my father ruined my life)

[ancientlight]

Hi all. 

I don't post here much, and when I do it's something about me. Sorry, don't know where else to post it without getting negative comments. Here everyone is always kind 


So anyway. I'm 51. I grew up in Europe ,and my dad being American moved to Europe to live in my moms country.
It was not a happy marriage, more like brother/sister, probably why I never saw the point of marriage , but that's not what my rant is about.
 
My father has ruined my life , and everyday it's going through my head how I wish I had spoken up sooner to stop some of it.
So when he retired he wanted to move back to the US. By then I was in my 20s and was still living at home till this point when they decided to move to the US. I didn't want to move so stayed behind (I was 23 at this point).

I loved finally being free and being on my own , it was fantastic. Those were the happies days of my life, I miss them dearly.
My dad never wrote me, never a phone call , never a card (this was in the 90s, so before texting etc).
I recieved many letters and phonecalls from my mom  . I visited maybe twice a year (dad bought my tickets) as I was pretty broke at the time. After about 3 years my dad said he was not going to pay for tickets anymore and if I wanted to see my mom that meant moving there, he'd pay for that.  He knew that because of my mental health issues it was diffiicult for me to work and make a decent living. So , to my feeling , he pretty much blackmailed me into moving.

I turned to self harm those months before the dreaded move, and got several tattoos (another form of selfharm) and turned to OCD (taking photos of streets everywhere in the Netherlands as I'd not see it again for some time).
When I arrived here he took away what little financial independance I had and I never saw my bank accounts again.
I let it happen as I was used to this treatment I guess (now I wouldn't allow this ).

So I was angry with him , the first 10 years I lived here. I was isolated , missed my best friend in Europe and was lonely and depressed. More OCD followed. I developed an eating disorder after some comments from him as well , at the time I was dieting and it instantly switched to bulimia.

I hated my life and my body and this brought some comfort in food and the release of the purge I guess. 
I've never had any relationship with my father. He never hugged me, never said he loved me. 
I was always single off course, my guess it's related. If , as a woman, your own father doesn't want to hug you or says he loves you , why would any man?

For me, because of my mental health issues it would have been easier to find a job , and maybe have some normal life, with god forbid some social life back in Europe , but here it failed miserably. 
I did meet someone online , years ago , he remained in Europe the whole time, and so the only relationship ever that had some meaning was long distance the whole time. The travel was very difficult for me due to , once again, my mental health issues . So it was very little and something I hated and rather avoided. 
Once we had a child it became even more difficult, and while my son lived with his father in Europe and I didn't get to see him for 7 months I developed another OCD (related to my son, not going into details here about that) . 
But had I lived in Europe I would have been much nearer and the travel would have been possible, and so I would never have been separated from my son so long. 

I lost my best friend in Europe by now , lost my home country (it will allways remain that) , and am about to lose my favorite aunt (the only one who ever gave a shit about me from all my extended family).  She's in her nineties and suffering from severe dementia. I have barely seen here the last few years , also because again , my difficulties with travel .

My whole life would have been different if my father had respected me enough as an adult to not blackmail me away from my home country . I would have never gotten the stupid tattooes, never gotten most of my OCD, never the eating disorder, would have had a normal life by now ,most likely, with a job and maybe a husband in a place of my own (oh I forgot to say , I've been planted in the same house with my brother 20something years ago ,stuck here now).

My father has been dead since 2014 , and I don't miss him at all even. In fact I'm angry with him most days as my life is ruined .
This anger has only come out the last few years, must have held it in for all those years as I , of course, never expressed myself this way towards my father.

I see no future, no bright future at least. I might exist and continue to force myself to do so , for my loved ones, but I'd rather be dead . 

Thanks for letting me rant, I need to get this all out .

Edit to add: I was on disablity income , at the time I was still in Europe , and he blackmailed me into moving and took over my account.
Obviously if I was working it would have been different.

[BodhisattvaStyle]

Hello, ancientlight. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it is to dig down deep with these kinds of feelings. I want to start off by saying, I completely understand what you feel and what you're saying. I too have these feelings towards parents.

I was abused as a child.....that's all I'll say...

There isn't much that can be said that will make anything better. I do know one thing though. This will be the last thing you are going to want to hear, but from my own experience its the only way. The only thing you can do is to forgive. To let it go from holding you down. 
I validate you. I know how impossibly hard it is to let that all go. Grace is the direction you have to lead your heart. I know. It's the opposite of what you feel is the best thing to do. Being angry and allowing it to still hold you back from your own peace seems to be the only option. But, You (yourself) have to expell that anger and replace it with mercy and forgiveness. This doesn't mean you accept that he did nothing wrong, and you're upset over nothing. You have valid reasons to be upset. Own that! But for your peace of mind accept what has happened, use it as your strength (in helping others and allow it to be a positive driving force in your own life). Adamantly forgive. But remember, you are doing this for you.....not him. You will learn "grace" from it and that will bring you PEACE.

The more and the longer you "stew over it" the longer you're allowing him to control you. He's passed on....let the hurt pass away through love.

I sound corny, I know. But anyone who has been brave and strong enough to accomplish this will tell you, this is the one way you will find true peace over these deep rooted "strongholds of the mind" that can drag us down like this.

I have a similar story. The pain of my past haunted and controlled me every day until I conquered the anger that stemmed from my past. Once I forgave with grace (look up that definition, if you dont know it. I had to learn what it means) ((the definition of grace i am referring to is: to frogive even though the person doesn't deserve it. i.e. LOVE)) it was if that dark mountain I was carrying was suddenly lifted off of me and I was finally.........FREE (at peace and happy and in control of my thoughts and actions). I am finally HAPPY!


I won't lie and say it was easy to let it all go. It's a process. But it is the only process that will bring any real change to your feelings on it. You have people who understand and will help; even if it's just listening. 

I am someone who understands how you feel. I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. I hope that none of what I said Herr will be seen as condescending. None of that is, I promise. I had to literally drag my thoughts and feelings out of hell (it felt like). And I had to forgive. Once I did tho....smiles and joy...

I'd love to hear a follow up story on how this mountain was lifted from your shoulders. I know you're tired from carrying all that "weight" (the burden of the anger).
Forgive through grace and you will be free of this...

I'm here if you ever want to chat.

One Love!

[GeauxHomeLittleD]

I would just say that it is much easier to forgive someone who is dead than to forgive someone who is still alive. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive but it is the honest truth. I was abused by my own father in every single way you can possibly imagine and that is in no way any kind of exaggeration. It affected every major decision I made in my adult life in a very bad way and caused me to develop patterns that took decades to break free from. When he had a massive heart attack and almost died he begged my forgiveness and I gave it to him only for him to break my trust and screw me over not once but time and time again. I decided that the last time was the LAST time and haven't had contact for 2 1/2 years. My life has been the most peaceful and happy that it has ever been. I forgive him but he will never be a part of my life again. I wish no bad on him and still feel love for him- but from a massive distance.

[NightskyeB4Dawn]

I had a long talk with a young girl last night. She is only twenty two years old, and has a similar story, though her issues are with her mother, and much worse than yours.

I too am going to say something you will not want to hear, and I hope that you will not think I am being cruel.

Rarely in our lives are we without choices. They may not be the choices we wished to have, or as many as we would like, but if we don’t take responsibility for our own actions and decisions, we will still ultimately be responsible for our outcomes.

Constantly looking back, only increases the probability of you straying from the path ahead. Look to the path that will lead you to where you want to go. Learn from the errors you have made, and use them as landmarks to avoid on your journey.

If you want something different, you have to do something different. Don’t be afraid to take chances. As long as they are sound and prudent. 51 is still young enough to make the life you desire, and old enough to make it happen.

[ancientlight]

Hello, ancientlight. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it is to dig down deep with these kinds of feelings. I want to start off by saying, I completely understand what you feel and what you're saying. I too have these feelings towards parents.

I was abused as a child.....that's all I'll say...

There isn't much that can be said that will make anything better. I do know one thing though. This will be the last thing you are going to want to hear, but from my own experience its the only way. The only thing you can do is to forgive. To let it go from holding you down. 
I validate you. I know how impossibly hard it is to let that all go. Grace is the direction you have to lead your heart. I know. It's the opposite of what you feel is the best thing to do. Being angry and allowing it to still hold you back from your own peace seems to be the only option. But, You (yourself) have to expell that anger and replace it with mercy and forgiveness. This doesn't mean you accept that he did nothing wrong, and you're upset over nothing. You have valid reasons to be upset. Own that! But for your peace of mind accept what has happened, use it as your strength (in helping others and allow it to be a positive driving force in your own life). Adamantly forgive. But remember, you are doing this for you.....not him. You will learn "grace" from it and  that will bring you PEACE.

The more and the longer you "stew over it" the longer you're allowing him to control you. He's passed on....let the hurt pass away through love.

I sound corny, I know. But anyone who has been brave and  strong enough to accomplish this will tell you, this is the one way you will find true peace over these deep rooted "strongholds of the mind" that can drag us down like this.

I have a similar story. The pain of my past haunted and controlled me every day until I conquered the anger that stemmed from my past. Once I forgave with grace (look up that definition, if you dont know it. I had to learn what it means) ((the definition of grace i am referring to is: to frogive even though the person doesn't deserve it. i.e. LOVE)) it was if that dark mountain I was carrying was suddenly lifted off of me and I was finally.........FREE (at peace and happy and in control of my thoughts and actions). I am finally HAPPY!


I won't lie and say it was easy to let it all go. It's a process. But it is the only process that will bring any real change to your feelings on it. You have people who understand and will help; even if it's just listening. 

I am someone who understands how you feel. I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. I hope that none of what I said Herr will be seen as condescending. None of that is, I promise. I had to literally drag my thoughts and feelings out of hell (it felt like). And I had to forgive. Once I did tho....smiles and joy...

I'd love to hear a follow up story on how this mountain was lifted from your shoulders. I know you're tired from carrying all that "weight" (the burden of the anger).
Forgive through grace and you will be free of this...

I'm here if you ever want to chat.

One Love!

Thank you for your kind reply    Off course I will always love my father as my father, but I have zero warm feelings towards him. I have tried to forgive , but then something else pops up that reminds how things were and what he did and I feel the anger again.  Do you think, from what I wrote, he could have been a narcissist?  I was oblivioius to this condition then, but my ex was a major narc and that woke me up to this as well. 

I think for now talking/writing about it helps me, in time I may be able to forgive. Like you said it's a long process 

---

I would just say that it is much easier to forgive someone who is dead than to forgive someone who is still alive. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive but it is the honest truth. I was abused by my own father in every single way you can possibly imagine and that is in no way any kind of exaggeration. It affected every major decision I made in my adult life in a very bad way and caused me to develop patterns that took decades to break free from. When he had a massive heart attack and almost died he begged my forgiveness and I gave it to him only for him to break my trust and screw me over not once but time and time again. I decided that the last time was the LAST time and haven't had contact for 2 1/2 years. My life has been the most peaceful and happy that it has ever been. I forgive him but he will never be a part of my life again. I wish no bad on him and still feel love for him- but from a massive distance.

The broken trust has to be the worst. I'm sorry to hear it was so much worse for you . Good to hear you're peacful and happy now at least 

---

I had a long talk with a young girl last night. She is only twenty two years old, and has a similar story, though her issues are with her mother, and much worse than yours.

I too am going to say something you will not want to hear, and I hope that you will not think I am being cruel.

Rarely in our lives are we without choices. They may not be the choices we wished to have, or as many as we would like, but if we don’t take responsibility for our own actions and decisions, we will still ultimately be responsible for our outcomes.

Constantly looking back, only increases the probability of you straying from the path ahead. Look to the path that will lead you to where you want to go. Learn from the errors you have made, and use them as landmarks to avoid on your journey.

If you want something different, you have to do something different. Don’t be afraid to take chances. As long as they are sound and prudent. 51 is still young enough to make the life you desire, and old enough to make it happen.

I know it is my responsiblity as well, but at the time I was young and very very naieve for my age. More mentally like a 15 year old than 20s. I was deeply asleep and did not have the ability yet to speak up for myself. 
Now off course I wouldn't allow this to happen. Live and learn indeed . I of course also feel my past is in no way 'bad enough' or abusive or anything, just a self absorbed parent and me not being able to speak up yet which could have avoided the bad path my life took.

I often wish I could back in time and how I would do things differently, and yes it stops me from looking ahead instead. 
Also something I need to try to stop doing, though it's not easy . 
Thanks for the reply 

[BodhisattvaStyle]

Hello, ancientlight. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it is to dig down deep with these kinds of feelings. I want to start off by saying, I completely understand what you feel and what you're saying. I too have these feelings towards parents.

I was abused as a child.....that's all I'll say...

There isn't much that can be said that will make anything better. I do know one thing though. This will be the last thing you are going to want to hear, but from my own experience its the only way. The only thing you can do is to forgive. To let it go from holding you down. 
I validate you. I know how impossibly hard it is to let that all go. Grace is the direction you have to lead your heart. I know. It's the opposite of what you feel is the best thing to do. Being angry and allowing it to still hold you back from your own peace seems to be the only option. But, You (yourself) have to expell that anger and replace it with mercy and forgiveness. This doesn't mean you accept that he did nothing wrong, and you're upset over nothing. You have valid reasons to be upset. Own that! But for your peace of mind accept what has happened, use it as your strength (in helping others and allow it to be a positive driving force in your own life). Adamantly forgive. But remember, you are doing this for you.....not him. You will learn "grace" from it and  that will bring you PEACE.

The more and the longer you "stew over it" the longer you're allowing him to control you. He's passed on....let the hurt pass away through love.

I sound corny, I know. But anyone who has been brave and  strong enough to accomplish this will tell you, this is the one way you will find true peace over these deep rooted "strongholds of the mind" that can drag us down like this.

I have a similar story. The pain of my past haunted and controlled me every day until I conquered the anger that stemmed from my past. Once I forgave with grace (look up that definition, if you dont know it. I had to learn what it means) ((the definition of grace i am referring to is: to frogive even though the person doesn't deserve it. i.e. LOVE)) it was if that dark mountain I was carrying was suddenly lifted off of me and I was finally.........FREE (at peace and happy and in control of my thoughts and actions). I am finally HAPPY!


I won't lie and say it was easy to let it all go. It's a process. But it is the only process that will bring any real change to your feelings on it. You have people who understand and will help; even if it's just listening. 

I am someone who understands how you feel. I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. I hope that none of what I said Herr will be seen as condescending. None of that is, I promise. I had to literally drag my thoughts and feelings out of hell (it felt like). And I had to forgive. Once I did tho....smiles and joy...

I'd love to hear a follow up story on how this mountain was lifted from your shoulders. I know you're tired from carrying all that "weight" (the burden of the anger).
Forgive through grace and you will be free of this...

I'm here if you ever want to chat.

One Love!

Thank you for your kind reply    Off course I will always love my father as my father, but I have zero warm feelings towards him. I have tried to forgive , but then something else pops up that reminds how things were and what he did and I feel the anger again.  Do you think, from what I wrote, he could have been a narcissist?  I was oblivioius to this condition then, but my ex was a major narc and that woke me up to this as well. 

I think for now talking/writing about it helps me, in time I may be able to forgive. Like you said it's a long process 

---

I would just say that it is much easier to forgive someone who is dead than to forgive someone who is still alive. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive but it is the honest truth. I was abused by my own father in every single way you can possibly imagine and that is in no way any kind of exaggeration. It affected every major decision I made in my adult life in a very bad way and caused me to develop patterns that took decades to break free from. When he had a massive heart attack and almost died he begged my forgiveness and I gave it to him only for him to break my trust and screw me over not once but time and time again. I decided that the last time was the LAST time and haven't had contact for 2 1/2 years. My life has been the most peaceful and happy that it has ever been. I forgive him but he will never be a part of my life again. I wish no bad on him and still feel love for him- but from a massive distance.

The broken trust has to be the worst. I'm sorry to hear it was so much worse for you . Good to hear you're peacful and happy now at least 

---

I had a long talk with a young girl last night. She is only twenty two years old, and has a similar story, though her issues are with her mother, and much worse than yours.

I too am going to say something you will not want to hear, and I hope that you will not think I am being cruel.

Rarely in our lives are we without choices. They may not be the choices we wished to have, or as many as we would like, but if we don’t take responsibility for our own actions and decisions, we will still ultimately be responsible for our outcomes.

Constantly looking back, only increases the probability of you straying from the path ahead. Look to the path that will lead you to where you want to go. Learn from the errors you have made, and use them as landmarks to avoid on your journey.

If you want something different, you have to do something different. Don’t be afraid to take chances. As long as they are sound and prudent. 51 is still young enough to make the life you desire, and old enough to make it happen.

I know it is my responsiblity as well, but at the time I was young and very very naieve for my age. More mentally like a 15 year old than 20s. I was deeply asleep and did not have the ability yet to speak up for myself. 
Now off course I wouldn't allow this to happen. Live and learn indeed . I of course also feel my past is in no way 'bad enough' or abusive or anything, just a self absorbed parent and me not being able to speak up yet which could have avoided  the bad path my life took.

I often wish I could back in time and how I would do things differently, and yes it stops me from looking ahead instead. 
Also something I need to try to stop doing, though it's not easy . 
Thanks for the reply 

It definitely sounds like the type of damage a narcasisstic parent can bring on someone. And, don't worry, I said all that, but I don't have any "warm fuzzy feelings" about the things that went on in my past. Nor do i feel a sense of cuddly love towards my parents. I learned to love myself....not them. I forgave myself as much as I forgave them. I chose to let go of the hurt by not focusing on it in any negative light. I choose to either not think about ceratina things, or changing the thoughts I have towards them. It's not easy at all. I had learned mercy for myself that stemmed from having mercy on those who had wronged me. This cooky little trick actually did bring me real peace for the first time ever. This was about a decade ago I started this and Is till remember the awesome feeling of that PEACE. I had never felt it before then. It was so profound it lead me to dig deeper into other things. Im speaking of a spiritual sense there.

Writing is something that I still do that helps. I have this folder of thoughts I would never let another human read. I have laid out my darkest hurts, my deepest most real feelings on the things that went on in my past. I have written my true feelings out on things, not holding back at all, and it has helped me get it out. I look back on some of the things I wrote and it pains me to think that that is how I feel, but at least I was honest with myself in my words I write in private. I have said all the things a person should never say in some of those writings. I have written out my anger. It helped me tremendously. I balance it out with good things took tho. I have my negative thoughts older, and I keep a positive thoughts folder. Once I got passed the horror show of thoughts I had about my "upbringing" and started to write about the good stuff I had overcome/accomplished I don't ever go back to the "bad folder." I got it off my chest by writing out ALL my pain and anger. I highly encourage you to continue to write. Try doing it in private as well. Start a journal.  It really does help. 


It has always given me some comfort when people understand what Ive been through and what I go through. We share more in common than I have revealed. Just know.....I understand. You're feelings and thoughts here are completely valid. I've been through similar stuff. I'm glad you do have a good heart about it even still. Having gone through a lifetime of struggle brought on by someone with their own issues, but yet still having love in your heart.....that is an amazing, thing and you should be most proud of that. And FYI, I can see that love in your heart through your words.

[ancientlight]

Hello, ancientlight. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it is to dig down deep with these kinds of feelings. I want to start off by saying, I completely understand what you feel and what you're saying. I too have these feelings towards parents.

I was abused as a child.....that's all I'll say...

There isn't much that can be said that will make anything better. I do know one thing though. This will be the last thing you are going to want to hear, but from my own experience its the only way. The only thing you can do is to forgive. To let it go from holding you down. 
I validate you. I know how impossibly hard it is to let that all go. Grace is the direction you have to lead your heart. I know. It's the opposite of what you feel is the best thing to do. Being angry and allowing it to still hold you back from your own peace seems to be the only option. But, You (yourself) have to expell that anger and replace it with mercy and forgiveness. This doesn't mean you accept that he did nothing wrong, and you're upset over nothing. You have valid reasons to be upset. Own that! But for your peace of mind accept what has happened, use it as your strength (in helping others and allow it to be a positive driving force in your own life). Adamantly forgive. But remember, you are doing this for you.....not him. You will learn "grace" from it and  that will bring you PEACE.

The more and the longer you "stew over it" the longer you're allowing him to control you. He's passed on....let the hurt pass away through love.

I sound corny, I know. But anyone who has been brave and  strong enough to accomplish this will tell you, this is the one way you will find true peace over these deep rooted "strongholds of the mind" that can drag us down like this.

I have a similar story. The pain of my past haunted and controlled me every day until I conquered the anger that stemmed from my past. Once I forgave with grace (look up that definition, if you dont know it. I had to learn what it means) ((the definition of grace i am referring to is: to frogive even though the person doesn't deserve it. i.e. LOVE)) it was if that dark mountain I was carrying was suddenly lifted off of me and I was finally.........FREE (at peace and happy and in control of my thoughts and actions). I am finally HAPPY!


I won't lie and say it was easy to let it all go. It's a process. But it is the only process that will bring any real change to your feelings on it. You have people who understand and will help; even if it's just listening. 

I am someone who understands how you feel. I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. I hope that none of what I said Herr will be seen as condescending. None of that is, I promise. I had to literally drag my thoughts and feelings out of hell (it felt like). And I had to forgive. Once I did tho....smiles and joy...

I'd love to hear a follow up story on how this mountain was lifted from your shoulders. I know you're tired from carrying all that "weight" (the burden of the anger).
Forgive through grace and you will be free of this...

I'm here if you ever want to chat.

One Love!

Thank you for your kind reply    Off course I will always love my father as my father, but I have zero warm feelings towards him. I have tried to forgive , but then something else pops up that reminds how things were and what he did and I feel the anger again.  Do you think, from what I wrote, he could have been a narcissist?  I was oblivioius to this condition then, but my ex was a major narc and that woke me up to this as well. 

I think for now talking/writing about it helps me, in time I may be able to forgive. Like you said it's a long process 

---

I would just say that it is much easier to forgive someone who is dead than to forgive someone who is still alive. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive but it is the honest truth. I was abused by my own father in every single way you can possibly imagine and that is in no way any kind of exaggeration. It affected every major decision I made in my adult life in a very bad way and caused me to develop patterns that took decades to break free from. When he had a massive heart attack and almost died he begged my forgiveness and I gave it to him only for him to break my trust and screw me over not once but time and time again. I decided that the last time was the LAST time and haven't had contact for 2 1/2 years. My life has been the most peaceful and happy that it has ever been. I forgive him but he will never be a part of my life again. I wish no bad on him and still feel love for him- but from a massive distance.

The broken trust has to be the worst. I'm sorry to hear it was so much worse for you . Good to hear you're peacful and happy now at least 

---

I had a long talk with a young girl last night. She is only twenty two years old, and has a similar story, though her issues are with her mother, and much worse than yours.

I too am going to say something you will not want to hear, and I hope that you will not think I am being cruel.

Rarely in our lives are we without choices. They may not be the choices we wished to have, or as many as we would like, but if we don’t take responsibility for our own actions and decisions, we will still ultimately be responsible for our outcomes.

Constantly looking back, only increases the probability of you straying from the path ahead. Look to the path that will lead you to where you want to go. Learn from the errors you have made, and use them as landmarks to avoid on your journey.

If you want something different, you have to do something different. Don’t be afraid to take chances. As long as they are sound and prudent. 51 is still young enough to make the life you desire, and old enough to make it happen.

I know it is my responsiblity as well, but at the time I was young and very very naieve for my age. More mentally like a 15 year old than 20s. I was deeply asleep and did not have the ability yet to speak up for myself. 
Now off course I wouldn't allow this to happen. Live and learn indeed . I of course also feel my past is in no way 'bad enough' or abusive or anything, just a self absorbed parent and me not being able to speak up yet which could have avoided  the bad path my life took.

I often wish I could back in time and how I would do things differently, and yes it stops me from looking ahead instead. 
Also something I need to try to stop doing, though it's not easy . 
Thanks for the reply 

It definitely sounds like the type of damage a narcasisstic parent can bring on someone. And, don't worry, I said all that, but I don't have any "warm fuzzy feelings" about the things that went on in my past. Nor do i feel a sense of cuddly love towards my parents. I learned to love myself....not them. I forgave myself as much as I forgave them. I chose to let go of the hurt by not focusing on it in any negative light. I choose to either not think about ceratina things, or changing the thoughts I have towards them. It's not easy at all. I had learned mercy for myself that stemmed from having mercy on those who had wronged me. This cooky little trick actually did bring me real peace for the first time ever. This was about a decade ago I started this and Is till remember the awesome feeling of that PEACE. I had never felt it before then. It was so profound it lead me to dig deeper into other things. Im speaking of a spiritual sense there.

Writing is something that I still do that helps. I have this folder of thoughts I would never let another human read. I have laid out my darkest hurts, my deepest most real feelings on the things that went on in my past. I have written my true feelings out on things, not holding back at all, and it has helped me get it out. I look back on some of the things I wrote and it pains me to think that that is how I feel, but at least I was honest with myself in my words I write in private. I have said all the things a person should never say in some of those writings. I have written out my anger. It helped me tremendously. I balance it out with good things took tho. I have my negative thoughts older, and I keep a positive thoughts folder. Once I got passed the horror show of thoughts I had about my "upbringing" and started to write about the good stuff I had overcome/accomplished I don't ever go back to the "bad folder." I got it off my chest by writing out ALL my pain and anger. I highly encourage you to continue to write. Try doing it in private as well. Start a journal.  It really does help. 


It has always given me some comfort when people understand what Ive been through and what I go through. We share more in common than I have revealed. Just know.....I understand. You're feelings and thoughts here are completely valid. I've been through similar stuff. I'm glad you do have a good heart about it even still. Having gone through a lifetime of struggle brought on by someone with their own issues, but yet still having love in your heart.....that is an amazing, thing and you should be most proud of that. And FYI, I can see that love in your heart through your words.

Thank you, I feel validated too, it helps tremendously. I will start writing in a journal as well, I think it's a great idea and therapeutic. The last paragraph made me smile . Off course the best (and only non-akward) hug I gave my dad was on his deathbed in hospital. He was vulnerable and I felt true love for him, and for the first time I told him I loved him and he said it back (first time) Sad, but at least we had that moment.

[BodhisattvaStyle]

Hello, ancientlight. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it is to dig down deep with these kinds of feelings. I want to start off by saying, I completely understand what you feel and what you're saying. I too have these feelings towards parents.

I was abused as a child.....that's all I'll say...

There isn't much that can be said that will make anything better. I do know one thing though. This will be the last thing you are going to want to hear, but from my own experience its the only way. The only thing you can do is to forgive. To let it go from holding you down. 
I validate you. I know how impossibly hard it is to let that all go. Grace is the direction you have to lead your heart. I know. It's the opposite of what you feel is the best thing to do. Being angry and allowing it to still hold you back from your own peace seems to be the only option. But, You (yourself) have to expell that anger and replace it with mercy and forgiveness. This doesn't mean you accept that he did nothing wrong, and you're upset over nothing. You have valid reasons to be upset. Own that! But for your peace of mind accept what has happened, use it as your strength (in helping others and allow it to be a positive driving force in your own life). Adamantly forgive. But remember, you are doing this for you.....not him. You will learn "grace" from it and  that will bring you PEACE.

The more and the longer you "stew over it" the longer you're allowing him to control you. He's passed on....let the hurt pass away through love.

I sound corny, I know. But anyone who has been brave and  strong enough to accomplish this will tell you, this is the one way you will find true peace over these deep rooted "strongholds of the mind" that can drag us down like this.

I have a similar story. The pain of my past haunted and controlled me every day until I conquered the anger that stemmed from my past. Once I forgave with grace (look up that definition, if you dont know it. I had to learn what it means) ((the definition of grace i am referring to is: to frogive even though the person doesn't deserve it. i.e. LOVE)) it was if that dark mountain I was carrying was suddenly lifted off of me and I was finally.........FREE (at peace and happy and in control of my thoughts and actions). I am finally HAPPY!


I won't lie and say it was easy to let it all go. It's a process. But it is the only process that will bring any real change to your feelings on it. You have people who understand and will help; even if it's just listening. 

I am someone who understands how you feel. I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. I hope that none of what I said Herr will be seen as condescending. None of that is, I promise. I had to literally drag my thoughts and feelings out of hell (it felt like). And I had to forgive. Once I did tho....smiles and joy...

I'd love to hear a follow up story on how this mountain was lifted from your shoulders. I know you're tired from carrying all that "weight" (the burden of the anger).
Forgive through grace and you will be free of this...

I'm here if you ever want to chat.

One Love!

Thank you for your kind reply    Off course I will always love my father as my father, but I have zero warm feelings towards him. I have tried to forgive , but then something else pops up that reminds how things were and what he did and I feel the anger again.  Do you think, from what I wrote, he could have been a narcissist?  I was oblivioius to this condition then, but my ex was a major narc and that woke me up to this as well. 

I think for now talking/writing about it helps me, in time I may be able to forgive. Like you said it's a long process 

---

I would just say that it is much easier to forgive someone who is dead than to forgive someone who is still alive. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive but it is the honest truth. I was abused by my own father in every single way you can possibly imagine and that is in no way any kind of exaggeration. It affected every major decision I made in my adult life in a very bad way and caused me to develop patterns that took decades to break free from. When he had a massive heart attack and almost died he begged my forgiveness and I gave it to him only for him to break my trust and screw me over not once but time and time again. I decided that the last time was the LAST time and haven't had contact for 2 1/2 years. My life has been the most peaceful and happy that it has ever been. I forgive him but he will never be a part of my life again. I wish no bad on him and still feel love for him- but from a massive distance.

The broken trust has to be the worst. I'm sorry to hear it was so much worse for you . Good to hear you're peacful and happy now at least 

---

I had a long talk with a young girl last night. She is only twenty two years old, and has a similar story, though her issues are with her mother, and much worse than yours.

I too am going to say something you will not want to hear, and I hope that you will not think I am being cruel.

Rarely in our lives are we without choices. They may not be the choices we wished to have, or as many as we would like, but if we don’t take responsibility for our own actions and decisions, we will still ultimately be responsible for our outcomes.

Constantly looking back, only increases the probability of you straying from the path ahead. Look to the path that will lead you to where you want to go. Learn from the errors you have made, and use them as landmarks to avoid on your journey.

If you want something different, you have to do something different. Don’t be afraid to take chances. As long as they are sound and prudent. 51 is still young enough to make the life you desire, and old enough to make it happen.

I know it is my responsiblity as well, but at the time I was young and very very naieve for my age. More mentally like a 15 year old than 20s. I was deeply asleep and did not have the ability yet to speak up for myself. 
Now off course I wouldn't allow this to happen. Live and learn indeed . I of course also feel my past is in no way 'bad enough' or abusive or anything, just a self absorbed parent and me not being able to speak up yet which could have avoided  the bad path my life took.

I often wish I could back in time and how I would do things differently, and yes it stops me from looking ahead instead. 
Also something I need to try to stop doing, though it's not easy . 
Thanks for the reply 

It definitely sounds like the type of damage a narcasisstic parent can bring on someone. And, don't worry, I said all that, but I don't have any "warm fuzzy feelings" about the things that went on in my past. Nor do i feel a sense of cuddly love towards my parents. I learned to love myself....not them. I forgave myself as much as I forgave them. I chose to let go of the hurt by not focusing on it in any negative light. I choose to either not think about ceratina things, or changing the thoughts I have towards them. It's not easy at all. I had learned mercy for myself that stemmed from having mercy on those who had wronged me. This cooky little trick actually did bring me real peace for the first time ever. This was about a decade ago I started this and Is till remember the awesome feeling of that PEACE. I had never felt it before then. It was so profound it lead me to dig deeper into other things. Im speaking of a spiritual sense there.

Writing is something that I still do that helps. I have this folder of thoughts I would never let another human read. I have laid out my darkest hurts, my deepest most real feelings on the things that went on in my past. I have written my true feelings out on things, not holding back at all, and it has helped me get it out. I look back on some of the things I wrote and it pains me to think that that is how I feel, but at least I was honest with myself in my words I write in private. I have said all the things a person should never say in some of those writings. I have written out my anger. It helped me tremendously. I balance it out with good things took tho. I have my negative thoughts older, and I keep a positive thoughts folder. Once I got passed the horror show of thoughts I had about my "upbringing" and started to write about the good stuff I had overcome/accomplished I don't ever go back to the "bad folder." I got it off my chest by writing out ALL my pain and anger. I highly encourage you to continue to write. Try doing it in private as well. Start a journal.  It really does help. 


It has always given me some comfort when people understand what Ive been through and what I go through. We share more in common than I have revealed. Just know.....I understand. You're feelings and thoughts here are completely valid. I've been through similar stuff. I'm glad you do have a good heart about it even still. Having gone through a lifetime of struggle brought on by someone with their own issues, but yet still having love in your heart.....that is an amazing, thing and you should be most proud of that. And FYI, I can see that love in your heart through your words.

Thank you, I feel validated too, it helps tremendously. I will start writing in a journal as well, I think it's a great idea and therapeutic. The last paragraph made me smile . Off course the best hug I gave my dad was on his deathbed in hospital. He was vulnerable and I felt true love for him, and for the first time I told him I loved him and he said it back. Sad, but at least we had that moment.

I need to give that a simple, amen. Made me smile.

[Ninurta]

I have some thoughts to offer, which may - or may not - be of any use at all.

First I'll say that I don't know what you are feeling. Those thoughts and feelings are yours, and yours alone. I did not live your experience, so how could I know? We each have our own path in life to walk, and it's ours alone to deal with as best we can. Therefore, I have no right to judge how you choose to deal with what comes at you, as I have not lived your life.

I believe "life" is only about 10% of what others do to you, and 90% how you react to it. That reaction is what makes us who we are, in the final analysis, and the experience of the wrongs is not what defines us. Who we are is what defines us.

I had a rough upbringing. Not worse than yours, and not better, just different. My reaction to it is what made me who I am, and so in some respect I'm grateful for it. As an example, when I was 14, I was whipped. I don't mean spanked, or even beaten with a switch or  belt, I mean whipped. With a braided leather bullwhip. It left finger-sized welts and cuts from the base of my neck to the top of my heels, and made moving difficult until they healed. It was so bad that all of my sisters and my ma cried over it, more than I did. Shit happens, and that was years ago. I rarely ever even recall it now.

But that was one of my formative experiences, part of what developed me into who I am now. It taught me not to lie, but it also taught me that whatever life throws at me, I can get through. If I just keep stepping, putting one foot in front of the other, I know now that I will make it through whatever the difficulty of the moment is. It's part of what gave me the determination and defiance that I now wear. So, while it was pretty bad at the time, the longer lasting effects of it were not all negative. Those experiences installed something that some other folks don't possess.

In short, there can be found good as well as bad in any experience, if you know where to look for it. There is no yang without the yin to define it, to set the boundaries of it.

I see a lot of talk of "forgiveness", and really, that IS the way to go, but it's not easy. It takes strength and courage. I've faced down bears, charging 3000 pound bulls, and angry mobs... but forgiveness comes hard to me. Harder than all of the above. So, if you can find it, you already have more strength than you realize... you just have to put it to work, which is often easier said than done.

Some times, the healing is in the journey rather than the arrival at the destination.

The Bible tells us that when God forgives, God "throws that wrong into the Sea of Forgetfulness" God just forgets it as if it never was. That is something that, as a mere human, I cannot do... but it's the mark to aspire towards. I reckon that's part of why I'm just a mortal, and not a god. It's a tougher thing than I can accomplish.

As was mentioned above, forgiveness is not a denial that a wrong was done, it is, conversely, the ultimate acknowledgement of wrongdoing - forgiveness cannot be done without a wrong to forgive. It's not a weakness, either. it's the ultimate expression of strength. It cannot be done without the fortitude to see it through... some times, that's more fortitude than I possess. That's my ultimate weakness.

I'm a coarse, callous, sonofabitch. I harbor no illusions as to who and what I am. As an example, when my Dear Old Dad died, we transported his carcass to another state, the place of his birth, to put it in the ground. I rode there in the hearse, along with my Great Uncle who was driving, and my brother. They sat in the only two seats the hearse had, up front, and I rode in the back with the coffin, using it for my seat. And I felt nothing. Nothing for the entire trip, or the next day afterwards. About 6 hours after we dropped it in the ground and filled in the hole, I was sitting alone on a set of porch steps, at dusk, looking at the woods, towards the cemetery that I could not see for the trees. There came a light, random breeze, a tiny whisper in my ear, and I then broke. Cried like a baby, and that was the end of that. Final closure I reckon.

It was my upringings that installed that into me, that coarseness, the callousness, the dogged determination to get through whatever life sees fit to deliver. It's what gave me my will to survive, and the ability, perhaps the hardness, to survive what I have since then. And through that life, I often needed it, so as bad as it seemed at the time, it did have a purpose in fitting me for the life I've lived.

Yin and yang. There is no good without the bad to define it and set it's boundaries.

That's been my own experience anyhow. Your mileage may vary, but I think that most of conquering life is finding your path through it, mastering your own reactions to the ills that are sure to come, and learning the way to overcome them. Most of life is finding your way through it.

The important part is not the destination, it's the journey. Development continues all along the journey, and doesn't stop until the end comes, the destination puts an end to the development. So, there is always time for development, new discoveries of the self to be had..

There is always time until there isn't any more.

.

[ancientlight]

I have some thoughts to offer, which may - or may not - be of any use at all.

First I'll say that I don't know what you are feeling. Those thoughts and feelings are yours, and yours alone. I did not live your experience, so how could I know? We each have our own path in life to walk, and it's ours alone to deal with as best we can. Therefore, I have no right to judge how you choose to deal with what comes at you, as I have not lived your life.

I believe "life" is only about 10% of what others do to you, and 90% how you react to it. That reaction is what makes us who we are, in the final analysis, and the experience of the wrongs is not what defines us. Who we are is what defines us.

I had a rough upbringing. Not worse than yours, and not better, just different. My reaction to it is what made me who I am, and so in some respect I'm grateful for it. As an example, when I was 14, I was whipped. I don't mean spanked, or even beaten with a switch or  belt, I mean whipped. With a braided leather bullwhip. It left finger-sized welts and cuts from the base of my neck to the top of my heels, and made moving difficult until they healed. It was so bad that all of my sisters and my ma cried over it, more than I did. Shit happens, and that was years ago. I rarely ever even recall it now.

But that was one of my formative experiences, part of what developed me into who I am now. It taught me not to lie, but it also taught me that whatever life throws at me, I can get through. If I just keep stepping, putting one foot in front of the other, I know now that I will make it through whatever the difficulty of the moment is. It's part of what gave me the determination and defiance that I now wear. So, while it was pretty bad at the time, the longer lasting effects of it were not all negative. Those experiences installed something that some other folks don't possess.

In short, there can be found good as well as bad in any experience, if you know where to look for it. There is no yang without the yin to define it, to set the boundaries of it.

I see a lot of talk of "forgiveness", and really, that IS the way to go, but it's not easy. It takes strength and courage. I've faced down bears, charging 3000 pound bulls, and angry mobs... but forgiveness comes hard to me. Harder than all of the above. So, if you can find it, you already have more strength than you realize... you just have to put it to work, which is often easier said than done.

Some times, the healing is in the journey rather than the arrival at the destination.

The Bible tells us that when God forgives, God "throws that wrong into the Sea of Forgetfulness" God just forgets it as if it never was. That is something that, as a mere human, I cannot do... but it's the mark to aspire towards. I reckon that's part of why I'm just a mortal, and not a god. It's a tougher thing than I can accomplish.

As was mentioned above, forgiveness is not a denial that a wrong was done, it is, conversely, the ultimate acknowledgement of wrongdoing - forgiveness cannot be done without a wrong to forgive. It's not a weakness, either. it's the ultimate expression of strength. It cannot be done without the fortitude to see it through... some times, that's more fortitude than I possess. That's my ultimate weakness.

I'm a coarse, callous, sonofabitch. I harbor no illusions as to who and what I am. As an example, when my Dear Old Dad died, we transported his carcass to another state, the place of his birth, to put it in the ground. I rode there in the hearse, along with my Great Uncle who was driving, and my brother. They sat in the only two seats the hearse had, up front, and I rode in the back with the coffin, using it for my seat. And I felt nothing. Nothing for the entire trip, or the next day afterwards. About 6 hours after we dropped it in the ground and filled in the hole, I was sitting alone on a set of porch steps, at dusk, looking at the woods, towards the cemetery that I could not see for the trees. There came a light, random breeze, a tiny whisper in my ear, and I then broke. Cried like a baby, and that was the end of that. Final closure I reckon.

It was my upringings that installed that into me, that coarseness, the callousness, the dogged determination to get through whatever life sees fit to deliver. It's what gave me my will to survive, and the ability, perhaps the hardness, to survive what I have since then. And through that life, I often needed it, so as bad as it seemed at the time, it did have a purpose in fitting me for the life I've lived.

Yin and yang. There is no good without the bad to define it and set it's boundaries.

That's been my own experience anyhow. Your mileage may vary, but I think that most of conquering life is finding your path through it, mastering your own reactions to the ills that are sure to come, and learning the way to overcome them. Most of life is finding your way through it.

The important part is not the destination, it's the journey. Development continues all along the journey, and doesn't stop until the end comes, the destination puts an end to the development. So, there is always time for development, new discoveries of the self to be had..

There is always time until there isn't any more.

.

Thank you for that thoughtful reply and thanks for sharing your experience at 14. Your upbringing was definetly worse. I only remember my brother being chased by my dad with a belt. 
You're right it is about the path of life itself and the lessons learned during that journey. I've grown alot during the last few years waking up to my past and to the world around me. 

Sadly I've thought that my father was the first antichrist, my ex the second and the WEF (and cronies) the third. 
I will try to forgive and accept what happened and try to find a better path forward as I'm not at all happy with where I'm at.

I've bookmarked this thread and will re-read it at times for the wise words shared