Post a funny for people to smile

[BIAD]

Realising that the UK has an attitude about passports, Kanya decided to fit in.

[727Sky]

[Freija]

For fun!

[727Sky]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
>>>
>>>>> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
>>>>> The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
>>>>> "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual flavors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
>>>>> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people, under those circumstances, can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
>>>>> "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
>>>>> " And what is that?" asked the priest.
>>>>> "Should I tell her the war is over?"


How to get to Heaven from Ireland

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?





A far more accurate account of the events

of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.




Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.


Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen.

She yells,

'How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night,

and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air,

to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog,

cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food,

and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs,

and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully.

I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BL***Y PORRIDGE YET





A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides
in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church,
to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'



Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
>
> So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
>
> Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
>
> God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
> and that it would be a woman.
>
> He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
> and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.'
> She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
> and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
> She will praise you!
> She will bear your children
> and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
> 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
>
> Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
>
> 'An arm and a leg.'
>
> Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?
>
> Of course, the rest is history..... !!



1.
A murderer is condemned to death.
He has to choose among three rooms.
The first room is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2.
A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

3.
What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and grey when you throw it away ?

4.
Can you name three consecutive days without
using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5.
This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd but if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!


THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:















Answers:
1. The third room Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?




Back in the days of wagons and carts, pulled by horse, mules and oxen, ships moved hay and.......

Manure

An interesting fact about Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship.

It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.



It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.



As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could (and did) happen.



Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.



After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction Stow high in transit them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.



Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.



You probably did not know the true history of this word.



^^^Many people thought it was a golf term because "shit" is spoken and heard on many golf courses !


Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

---

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,

and was leaving his mission in the jungle,

where he has spent years teaching the natives,

when he realizes that the one thing he never

taught them, was how to speak English.


So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,



"This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts,



"Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,



"This is a rock."


Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats



, "Rock."



The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his

results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,

"Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his

blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that

he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these

people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,


"My bike..."


ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.



:A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
>>
>> Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
>>
>> The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
>>
>> The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
>>
>> The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
>>
>> And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
>>
>> The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"




"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him had better take a much closer look at the American Indian."
~Henry Ford



CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'



A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'...........



Will Rogers.... old sayings but still appropriate !!

"Never Squat With Your Spurs On!" - Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political/country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.
Here are some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11.&nbs p; Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n than puttin' it back in.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER …

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra …
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it’s such a nice change from being young.
Eight ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

I think he also said: “ I never met a man I didn’t like”, and giving a talk, said,” My job is to be a speaker;
your job is to be a listener. If you finish your job before I finish my job, please raise your hand!”



You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, ''I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun.''

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."



Cynical Philosopher...



♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?



♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.



♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.



♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.



♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.



♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?



♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.



♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?



♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.



♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.



♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.



♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.



♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.



♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”



♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."



♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.



♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.



♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.



♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.



♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!



Subject: LEGENDARY QUOTES ON FRANCE




‘France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'

Mark Twain

------------------------------

'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton

------------------------------

'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwartzkopf

------------------------------

'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'

Marge Simpson

------------------------------

'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'

Jacques Chirac, President of France

------------------------------

'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'

Regis Philbin

------------------------------

'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'

John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona

------------------------------

'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'

David Letterman

------------------------------

'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .'

Ted Nugent

------------------------------

'War without France would be like .. World War II.'

Unknown

------------------------------

'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France .''

Tom Brokaw

------------------------------

'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'

Alan Kent

-----------------------------

'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'

Argus Hamilton

------------------------------

'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

-----------------------------

'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

Q What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

-----------------------------

'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'

Rep. R. Blount, MO

------------------------------

'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------------------------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.



Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Georgia +true for S. Carolina
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in
Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

B ubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered,
"I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a
bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.



ROBOT
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A father bought a Lie Detector Robot that can detect a lie and slaps a
>>> person when they lie.
>>>
>>> He decided to test it out at dinner that night.
>>> The father asked his son what he did that afternoon.
>>>
>>> The son said, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slapped the son. The son
>>> said, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies.
>>>
>>> Dad asked, "What movie did you watch?"
>>> Son said, "Toy Story." The robot slapped the son again. The son said, "Ok,
>>> Ok, we were watching porn."
>>>
>>> Dad said, "What?, at your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot
>>> slapped the father.
>>>
>>> Mom laughed and said, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slapped
>>> the mother.
>>>
>>> ROBOT FOR SALE!

[angelchemuel]

I read all of that ^^^^^^ and thoroughly enjoyed them, thank you!
I just wish I had a memory for jokes!
Rainbows
Jane

[EndtheMadnessNow]

Confused, overwhelmed, exhausted...Take a day trip to Anxietyland Amusement Park




From the book Anxietyland


Some Trumpy Bible stories...