(03-02-2026, 04:23 PM)IgnorantGod Wrote: There may come a day that I actually start exploring, but for me to endeavor such in any serious manner, I'd assume the necessity of 'cleaning up' certain behaviors that are somewhat detrimental as of now in relation to the effects of doing so.
3 years ago, I've started to get anxiety attacks which were heavily, at least from my observations, influenced by a 'seed' I've sowed 7 years earlier during an ASC (Altered State of Consciousness) that severely weakened my 'mental structure' I had build upon past experiences since birth. I'm on medication to keep that anxiety at a manageable level.
I realized since then that I'm actually attached to it. I'm afraid of 'losing' it, as much as I'm afraid to die, or so I'm led to believe from some 'choices' made during that event 10 years ago. There are other reasons why I'm reluctant to go back to 'exploring', althought the aforementioned is most definitely the 'strongest'.
That feeling of 'isolation' from the 'rest of reality' provoked a deep existencial terror on my ego. I've been somewhat clinging to the remnants of my 'mental structure' ever since. However, it lost some 'features', such as the ability of entertaining any 'certitude' whatsoever, and the 'desire' to experience, or 'become' anything in particular, even to 'solve' my anxiety 'issues' (certainly not an excuse for lack of motivation or laziness, nope).
And then? This may all simply be the 'color of the day' of self-delusion! In any case, I do enjoy discussing the 'limits of consciousness/self', it is fascinating, and 'reality' seems to be of a malleable nature, especially when the 'boundaries of the self' are blurried, and the 'self' is somehow 'bleeding' in the 'environment'.
Are you the observer or the object? When you walk in a forrest everything around you is aware off you and observing you. You change the ambience of any environment that you enter. That seems very connected to me and not isolated at all.