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[sailorsam]

HOLIDAY BULLETIN – ELF-RELATED ACTIVITY 
It's December 1st, and the Newark Police Department is currently investigating a series of late-night break-ins involving small, unidentified intruders approximately 8–10 inches tall, wearing red suits, pointy hats, and suspicious smirks.
These individuals, known in some circles as “Elves on Shelves”, have been spotted:
perching in high vantage points with no regard for safety protocols,
conducting unauthorized surveillance of children, parents, and pets,
and rearranging household items for reasons still unknown.
Residents waking up to cereal spills, missing cookies, or tiny boot prints on countertops are urged to remain calm. These suspects are considered mischievous but not dangerous.
If you encounter one of these intruders:
Do NOT attempt to detain. (If you touch them they will lose their magic!)
Do NOT negotiate with their glitter-based demands.
Simply document the incident and allow the suspect to continue their odd holiday rituals.
We appreciate your cooperation as we continue this important seasonal investigation.
Stay safe, and keep an eye on your shelves. 
Parents, enjoy the next 24 nights of the elves.  We are here for moral support!