A new development here, and I would like to share it, for the purpose of me facing this, being completely honest with myself, and others about my experiences here. Writing this out in a public forum was not easy for me, but I found that this is one of the best ways for me to face these dark shadows of my mind that I have been battling a lifetime.
Just when I had given up on ever receiving the care I needed, I had one of those experiences where I made a move forward in life, thinking I would have a particular outcome. I found out very quickly that what I thought I was going to be able to do, wasn't possible. But, this lead me to an answer, and the direction I need on how to find and receive that help.
I followed the instructions I had received and took that step forward and was able to make it to where I needed to be. Funny "coincidence" but this place is within walking distance. It's actually not even a mile up the road. I won't need to rely on anyone to get me there, and it is really neat how that worked out for me.
I went to my first assessment last week. They ended up telling me exactly what I already knew.
Severe PTSD, and borderline personality disorder.
Their first course of action...
Trauma therapy.
Ya know, I've been trying to explain this to everyone that woukd listen for 4 decades now. No one listened, and no one understood. No one. It was always somehow, my fault, and the consensus over the years is that my issues are an "easy fix."
Basically my childhood was so terrible that I developed PTSD by tge time I was about 4. I can trace these symptoms down to my first memories.
All my life I've been telling people exactly what I told these doctors and psychologist, and no one believed me.
These specialized doctors understood it perfectly. Having people understand, and that knew what to do about it, was a monumental difference for me. Within one session my eyes were already starting to open to the fact that I've been right all along. Right about the causes. Right about what it was I will need to fix it. To have professionals validate you in a way that has made you're whole life make sense, and to know the why and how of how this happened to me has given me a hope about this that I had completely lost.
The battle in front of me is a long one. It is in now way an "easy fix." I'm in for at least a year of therapy just to get my nervous system and my mind right, while i process some of what has been too difficult to process on my own. Fortunately there is a very high success rate of beating this behavioral issue. No medication! Medication has only ever made it worse. I'm stoked about the whole thing now. Knowing I had at least a fighting chance has given me my stoke back.
After decades of trying to find an answer, so that I can do the work and gain the tools that I have been lacking, I am finally on the road to recovery.
To those who didn't listen, and didn't believe me, and acted like i was just weak....shame on you. I forgive you, but only for Christs sake. This is a forgiveness you do not deserve. I extend my own grace. You only served to make it worse for my struggles.
To those who caused this....I forgive you. Karma is very real though. I hope you get it right in your next life. May God have mercy on your souls. Grace to you.
I'm looking forward to finally putting this behind me; piece by piece, if that's what it takes.
I will break these chains that have had me bound for so long.
A transformation is coming, and I feel like I am on the right road now.....finally. it's inspiring to know I can actually change most of this.
Thank you for reading. This wasn't easy for me to admit.
To those who identify with any of this: Seek help. Don't give up.
I will turn this garbage into a victory story.
To be continued...
Just when I had given up on ever receiving the care I needed, I had one of those experiences where I made a move forward in life, thinking I would have a particular outcome. I found out very quickly that what I thought I was going to be able to do, wasn't possible. But, this lead me to an answer, and the direction I need on how to find and receive that help.
I followed the instructions I had received and took that step forward and was able to make it to where I needed to be. Funny "coincidence" but this place is within walking distance. It's actually not even a mile up the road. I won't need to rely on anyone to get me there, and it is really neat how that worked out for me.
I went to my first assessment last week. They ended up telling me exactly what I already knew.
Severe PTSD, and borderline personality disorder.
Their first course of action...
Trauma therapy.
Ya know, I've been trying to explain this to everyone that woukd listen for 4 decades now. No one listened, and no one understood. No one. It was always somehow, my fault, and the consensus over the years is that my issues are an "easy fix."
Basically my childhood was so terrible that I developed PTSD by tge time I was about 4. I can trace these symptoms down to my first memories.
All my life I've been telling people exactly what I told these doctors and psychologist, and no one believed me.
These specialized doctors understood it perfectly. Having people understand, and that knew what to do about it, was a monumental difference for me. Within one session my eyes were already starting to open to the fact that I've been right all along. Right about the causes. Right about what it was I will need to fix it. To have professionals validate you in a way that has made you're whole life make sense, and to know the why and how of how this happened to me has given me a hope about this that I had completely lost.
The battle in front of me is a long one. It is in now way an "easy fix." I'm in for at least a year of therapy just to get my nervous system and my mind right, while i process some of what has been too difficult to process on my own. Fortunately there is a very high success rate of beating this behavioral issue. No medication! Medication has only ever made it worse. I'm stoked about the whole thing now. Knowing I had at least a fighting chance has given me my stoke back.
After decades of trying to find an answer, so that I can do the work and gain the tools that I have been lacking, I am finally on the road to recovery.
To those who didn't listen, and didn't believe me, and acted like i was just weak....shame on you. I forgive you, but only for Christs sake. This is a forgiveness you do not deserve. I extend my own grace. You only served to make it worse for my struggles.
To those who caused this....I forgive you. Karma is very real though. I hope you get it right in your next life. May God have mercy on your souls. Grace to you.
I'm looking forward to finally putting this behind me; piece by piece, if that's what it takes.
I will break these chains that have had me bound for so long.
A transformation is coming, and I feel like I am on the right road now.....finally. it's inspiring to know I can actually change most of this.
Thank you for reading. This wasn't easy for me to admit.
To those who identify with any of this: Seek help. Don't give up.
I will turn this garbage into a victory story.
To be continued...
They live.
We sleep.
We sleep.