I would like to add a thought to the OP while i have it.
First, I'd like to say that I meant no disrespect to anyone.
When I wrote this I was in a moment of feeling everything I had been told was a lie. After my dad passed and I was now taking care of my mother, and we I am now Living alone with her for the first time, and with my dad gone, I realized how much of a buffer he had been, and how much he had shielded me from. Secrets started to be revealed little by little. I started to learn more about my family history. I had decided I wanted to know where I had come from. I always knew there was more to the story, but after learning some of it, I became confused for while; even as to who I was, and where I came from.
I had been manipulated and lied to my whole life. This had been clear for as long as I can remember. I could never understand why.
I could never understand why things were the way they were. I had always wanted things to be different. I wanted to truly connect with my mother for the first time. I started to ask about her child hood and I learned some things that were really neat and cool, and some things that made other things make sense. As I went along the history, little by little, I started to understand more and more. Like putting a puzzle together without the top (not knowing what the picture is), and little by little the pieces start to come together and you start to see what the image is.
This has been a roller coaster for me. I realized I really didn't know where it was I had come from (or so I felt). Things were so secretive, and I never knew why.
Now I know. And this has a lot more to do than simply what's in my OP. This runs deep.
What I had come to while pondering on all of this for a couple days is----I love my granny. I love my mom. I have and feel total compassion for their story. I just had no idea, of any of this, and how deeply things ran on that side of the family, and why I have always felt completely! uncomfortable around that side of it. I had one aunt who I absolutely adored, and was quite close to. She was always very secretive, but would divulge a little here and there, but we could always tell there was more that would blow our minds even further, if she had told us everything. After she died about a year ago, thinks started to come to light.
I accept these things. I have come to compassion for them. I forgive my mom. I love her and I understand.
I love my granny and absolutely understand. She was in a very tough spot. I appreciate all that she did for me.
This knowledge changes nothing for me except opening up a new door of understanding.
I am very glad I was able to hash this out here. You all were great!
First, I'd like to say that I meant no disrespect to anyone.
When I wrote this I was in a moment of feeling everything I had been told was a lie. After my dad passed and I was now taking care of my mother, and we I am now Living alone with her for the first time, and with my dad gone, I realized how much of a buffer he had been, and how much he had shielded me from. Secrets started to be revealed little by little. I started to learn more about my family history. I had decided I wanted to know where I had come from. I always knew there was more to the story, but after learning some of it, I became confused for while; even as to who I was, and where I came from.
I had been manipulated and lied to my whole life. This had been clear for as long as I can remember. I could never understand why.
I could never understand why things were the way they were. I had always wanted things to be different. I wanted to truly connect with my mother for the first time. I started to ask about her child hood and I learned some things that were really neat and cool, and some things that made other things make sense. As I went along the history, little by little, I started to understand more and more. Like putting a puzzle together without the top (not knowing what the picture is), and little by little the pieces start to come together and you start to see what the image is.
This has been a roller coaster for me. I realized I really didn't know where it was I had come from (or so I felt). Things were so secretive, and I never knew why.
Now I know. And this has a lot more to do than simply what's in my OP. This runs deep.
What I had come to while pondering on all of this for a couple days is----I love my granny. I love my mom. I have and feel total compassion for their story. I just had no idea, of any of this, and how deeply things ran on that side of the family, and why I have always felt completely! uncomfortable around that side of it. I had one aunt who I absolutely adored, and was quite close to. She was always very secretive, but would divulge a little here and there, but we could always tell there was more that would blow our minds even further, if she had told us everything. After she died about a year ago, thinks started to come to light.
I accept these things. I have come to compassion for them. I forgive my mom. I love her and I understand.
I love my granny and absolutely understand. She was in a very tough spot. I appreciate all that she did for me.
This knowledge changes nothing for me except opening up a new door of understanding.
I am very glad I was able to hash this out here. You all were great!
They live.
We sleep.
We sleep.