The most wonderful time of the year!

[GeauxHomeLittleD]

For me as supposedly an adult, Christmas has often been a time of depression, sadness, anger or feelings of loss so I spent many years in full bah humbug mode hating every minute of it but with age, maturity and wisdom (haha!), I just don’t care anymore.

As a child, I can remember up until the age of maybe 5 or 6, I was always given toys I didn’t want – things like firetrucks and robots or baseball gloves I had absolutely no use for or interest in so I was always pretty disappointed but I did finally start getting things I wanted and do have some pleasant memories of the season and after my daughter was born and when she was little, the joys and delight in a toddler’s eyes awakening to presents under the tree was simply heartwarming and something I looked forward to.

But for a time, that was also one of my greatest disappointments because I often lost access to her during the holidays due to the fact her birth mother was in charge of things and had a large family she always celebrated with that thought I was bad news and didn’t want me around so Christmas with my daughter was never actually on Christmas. Then after my mom died when I was 25, Christmas was a pretty miserable time for me to spend completely alone.

For years in a row, I made it my personal tradition to take a day long motorcycle ride by myself regardless of the cold or inclement weather and can remember crying in my helmet so hard a few times I had to pull over and talk myself out of getting into a high speed head-on with a semi truck. I remember coming home physically and mentally exhausted then crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep more than a few times. The whole thing, the decorations, the music and the pressure to be with loved ones was seriously oppressive and depressive.

After I got married and my daughter came to live with my husband and I full-time when she was 11, the tables turned and Christmas once again was something I looked forward to with joy and it was her other mom that had to have Christmas not on Christmas but sometimes I did give in so my daughter would still be part of that side of her family.

After she moved out when she was 18, with neither of us having any other family, Christmas for just the two of us was pretty subdued if even acknowledged and he was as indifferent about the whole thing as I was.

Moving on a few years later after him and I got divorced, my grandson was born somewhat reviving my Christmas spirit even though I am not a Christian and had never associated religion with the holiday. I did my best to make Christmas at grandma’s house something he would have good memories of even if he had two other grandmas. Then when he got older and moved on with his own life, it was back to just me again and other than making huge batches of different kinds of cookies and handing them out, that I did for a few years, this time of year was nothing special.

I think it was three or maybe four years ago, my former husband and his wife invited me out for Christmas which was the first time in years I had done anything special and he’s been bugging me again this year to get together. Today he called me and said they’re now going to someone else’s Christmas party, which he really doesn’t want to do but still wants me to come out and go with them. I said no. How fun would being with strangers be when it’s always weird being the ex-wife in the first place?

My best hope for the day is that my daughter and grandson send me a text. That will make me smile and feel loved but otherwise, Christmas is just another day like any other day. I’ll probably play video games, watch movies and maybe treat myself to frozen pizza or something?

I am fine with that. I no longer feel stressed or depressed or sad. I just couldn’t care less.

The New Year’s work holiday will be my 68th birthday. Maybe I’ll do something with the ex and his Mrs. then because he has been asking me to but he doesn’t even drink or smoke weed! What kind of party is that? Lol!

I too have a birthday coming up, mine is on New Year's Day. Growing up I always felt like I got screwed over having a birthday so close to Christmas so when I had my second child whose birthday is on December 29th I made it my business to make sure her birthday was always special. Even now when everyone else overlooks her birthday (she will be 32 this go around) I always send her something and call to sing Happy Birthday to her.

Also if there are no "party favors" it just isn't a damned party!