(10-07-2023, 08:18 PM)Ninurta Wrote: I have some thoughts to offer, which may - or may not - be of any use at all.Thank you for that thoughtful reply and thanks for sharing your experience at 14. Your upbringing was definetly worse. I only remember my brother being chased by my dad with a belt.
First I'll say that I don't know what you are feeling. Those thoughts and feelings are yours, and yours alone. I did not live your experience, so how could I know? We each have our own path in life to walk, and it's ours alone to deal with as best we can. Therefore, I have no right to judge how you choose to deal with what comes at you, as I have not lived your life.
I believe "life" is only about 10% of what others do to you, and 90% how you react to it. That reaction is what makes us who we are, in the final analysis, and the experience of the wrongs is not what defines us. Who we are is what defines us.
I had a rough upbringing. Not worse than yours, and not better, just different. My reaction to it is what made me who I am, and so in some respect I'm grateful for it. As an example, when I was 14, I was whipped. I don't mean spanked, or even beaten with a switch or belt, I mean whipped. With a braided leather bullwhip. It left finger-sized welts and cuts from the base of my neck to the top of my heels, and made moving difficult until they healed. It was so bad that all of my sisters and my ma cried over it, more than I did. Shit happens, and that was years ago. I rarely ever even recall it now.
But that was one of my formative experiences, part of what developed me into who I am now. It taught me not to lie, but it also taught me that whatever life throws at me, I can get through. If I just keep stepping, putting one foot in front of the other, I know now that I will make it through whatever the difficulty of the moment is. It's part of what gave me the determination and defiance that I now wear. So, while it was pretty bad at the time, the longer lasting effects of it were not all negative. Those experiences installed something that some other folks don't possess.
In short, there can be found good as well as bad in any experience, if you know where to look for it. There is no yang without the yin to define it, to set the boundaries of it.
I see a lot of talk of "forgiveness", and really, that IS the way to go, but it's not easy. It takes strength and courage. I've faced down bears, charging 3000 pound bulls, and angry mobs... but forgiveness comes hard to me. Harder than all of the above. So, if you can find it, you already have more strength than you realize... you just have to put it to work, which is often easier said than done.
Some times, the healing is in the journey rather than the arrival at the destination.
The Bible tells us that when God forgives, God "throws that wrong into the Sea of Forgetfulness" God just forgets it as if it never was. That is something that, as a mere human, I cannot do... but it's the mark to aspire towards. I reckon that's part of why I'm just a mortal, and not a god. It's a tougher thing than I can accomplish.
As was mentioned above, forgiveness is not a denial that a wrong was done, it is, conversely, the ultimate acknowledgement of wrongdoing - forgiveness cannot be done without a wrong to forgive. It's not a weakness, either. it's the ultimate expression of strength. It cannot be done without the fortitude to see it through... some times, that's more fortitude than I possess. That's my ultimate weakness.
I'm a coarse, callous, sonofabitch. I harbor no illusions as to who and what I am. As an example, when my Dear Old Dad died, we transported his carcass to another state, the place of his birth, to put it in the ground. I rode there in the hearse, along with my Great Uncle who was driving, and my brother. They sat in the only two seats the hearse had, up front, and I rode in the back with the coffin, using it for my seat. And I felt nothing. Nothing for the entire trip, or the next day afterwards. About 6 hours after we dropped it in the ground and filled in the hole, I was sitting alone on a set of porch steps, at dusk, looking at the woods, towards the cemetery that I could not see for the trees. There came a light, random breeze, a tiny whisper in my ear, and I then broke. Cried like a baby, and that was the end of that. Final closure I reckon.
It was my upringings that installed that into me, that coarseness, the callousness, the dogged determination to get through whatever life sees fit to deliver. It's what gave me my will to survive, and the ability, perhaps the hardness, to survive what I have since then. And through that life, I often needed it, so as bad as it seemed at the time, it did have a purpose in fitting me for the life I've lived.
Yin and yang. There is no good without the bad to define it and set it's boundaries.
That's been my own experience anyhow. Your mileage may vary, but I think that most of conquering life is finding your path through it, mastering your own reactions to the ills that are sure to come, and learning the way to overcome them. Most of life is finding your way through it.
The important part is not the destination, it's the journey. Development continues all along the journey, and doesn't stop until the end comes, the destination puts an end to the development. So, there is always time for development, new discoveries of the self to be had..
There is always time until there isn't any more.
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You're right it is about the path of life itself and the lessons learned during that journey. I've grown alot during the last few years waking up to my past and to the world around me.
Sadly I've thought that my father was the first antichrist, my ex the second and the WEF (and cronies) the third.
I will try to forgive and accept what happened and try to find a better path forward as I'm not at all happy with where I'm at.
I've bookmarked this thread and will re-read it at times for the wise words shared