(10-07-2023, 06:31 PM)ancientlight Wrote:(10-07-2023, 06:04 PM)BodhisattvaStyle Wrote:(10-07-2023, 05:34 PM)ancientlight Wrote:It definitely sounds like the type of damage a narcasisstic parent can bring on someone. And, don't worry, I said all that, but I don't have any "warm fuzzy feelings" about the things that went on in my past. Nor do i feel a sense of cuddly love towards my parents. I learned to love myself....not them. I forgave myself as much as I forgave them. I chose to let go of the hurt by not focusing on it in any negative light. I choose to either not think about ceratina things, or changing the thoughts I have towards them. It's not easy at all. I had learned mercy for myself that stemmed from having mercy on those who had wronged me. This cooky little trick actually did bring me real peace for the first time ever. This was about a decade ago I started this and Is till remember the awesome feeling of that PEACE. I had never felt it before then. It was so profound it lead me to dig deeper into other things. Im speaking of a spiritual sense there.(10-07-2023, 04:01 PM)BodhisattvaStyle Wrote: Hello, ancientlight. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it is to dig down deep with these kinds of feelings. I want to start off by saying, I completely understand what you feel and what you're saying. I too have these feelings towards parents.
I was abused as a child.....that's all I'll say...
There isn't much that can be said that will make anything better. I do know one thing though. This will be the last thing you are going to want to hear, but from my own experience its the only way. The only thing you can do is to forgive. To let it go from holding you down.
I validate you. I know how impossibly hard it is to let that all go. Grace is the direction you have to lead your heart. I know. It's the opposite of what you feel is the best thing to do. Being angry and allowing it to still hold you back from your own peace seems to be the only option. But, You (yourself) have to expell that anger and replace it with mercy and forgiveness. This doesn't mean you accept that he did nothing wrong, and you're upset over nothing. You have valid reasons to be upset. Own that! But for your peace of mind accept what has happened, use it as your strength (in helping others and allow it to be a positive driving force in your own life). Adamantly forgive. But remember, you are doing this for you.....not him. You will learn "grace" from it and that will bring you PEACE.
The more and the longer you "stew over it" the longer you're allowing him to control you. He's passed on....let the hurt pass away through love.
I sound corny, I know. But anyone who has been brave and strong enough to accomplish this will tell you, this is the one way you will find true peace over these deep rooted "strongholds of the mind" that can drag us down like this.
I have a similar story. The pain of my past haunted and controlled me every day until I conquered the anger that stemmed from my past. Once I forgave with grace (look up that definition, if you dont know it. I had to learn what it means) ((the definition of grace i am referring to is: to frogive even though the person doesn't deserve it. i.e. LOVE)) it was if that dark mountain I was carrying was suddenly lifted off of me and I was finally.........FREE (at peace and happy and in control of my thoughts and actions). I am finally HAPPY!
I won't lie and say it was easy to let it all go. It's a process. But it is the only process that will bring any real change to your feelings on it. You have people who understand and will help; even if it's just listening.
I am someone who understands how you feel. I could feel your pain as I was reading your post. I hope that none of what I said Herr will be seen as condescending. None of that is, I promise. I had to literally drag my thoughts and feelings out of hell (it felt like). And I had to forgive. Once I did tho....smiles and joy...
I'd love to hear a follow up story on how this mountain was lifted from your shoulders. I know you're tired from carrying all that "weight" (the burden of the anger).
Forgive through grace and you will be free of this...
I'm here if you ever want to chat.
One Love!
Thank you for your kind replyOff course I will always love my father as my father, but I have zero warm feelings towards him. I have tried to forgive , but then something else pops up that reminds how things were and what he did and I feel the anger again. Do you think, from what I wrote, he could have been a narcissist? I was oblivioius to this condition then, but my ex was a major narc and that woke me up to this as well.
I think for now talking/writing about it helps me, in time I may be able to forgive. Like you said it's a long process
(10-07-2023, 05:20 PM)GeauxHomeLittleD Wrote: I would just say that it is much easier to forgive someone who is dead than to forgive someone who is still alive. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive but it is the honest truth. I was abused by my own father in every single way you can possibly imagine and that is in no way any kind of exaggeration. It affected every major decision I made in my adult life in a very bad way and caused me to develop patterns that took decades to break free from. When he had a massive heart attack and almost died he begged my forgiveness and I gave it to him only for him to break my trust and screw me over not once but time and time again. I decided that the last time was the LAST time and haven't had contact for 2 1/2 years. My life has been the most peaceful and happy that it has ever been. I forgive him but he will never be a part of my life again. I wish no bad on him and still feel love for him- but from a massive distance.
The broken trust has to be the worst. I'm sorry to hear it was so much worse for you . Good to hear you're peacful and happy now at least
(10-07-2023, 05:34 PM)NightskyeB4Dawn Wrote: I had a long talk with a young girl last night. She is only twenty two years old, and has a similar story, though her issues are with her mother, and much worse than yours.I know it is my responsiblity as well, but at the time I was young and very very naieve for my age. More mentally like a 15 year old than 20s. I was deeply asleep and did not have the ability yet to speak up for myself.
I too am going to say something you will not want to hear, and I hope that you will not think I am being cruel.
Rarely in our lives are we without choices. They may not be the choices we wished to have, or as many as we would like, but if we don’t take responsibility for our own actions and decisions, we will still ultimately be responsible for our outcomes.
Constantly looking back, only increases the probability of you straying from the path ahead. Look to the path that will lead you to where you want to go. Learn from the errors you have made, and use them as landmarks to avoid on your journey.
If you want something different, you have to do something different. Don’t be afraid to take chances. As long as they are sound and prudent. 51 is still young enough to make the life you desire, and old enough to make it happen.
Now off course I wouldn't allow this to happen. Live and learn indeed . I of course also feel my past is in no way 'bad enough' or abusive or anything, just a self absorbed parent and me not being able to speak up yet which could have avoided the bad path my life took.
I often wish I could back in time and how I would do things differently, and yes it stops me from looking ahead instead.
Also something I need to try to stop doing, though it's not easy .
Thanks for the reply
Writing is something that I still do that helps. I have this folder of thoughts I would never let another human read. I have laid out my darkest hurts, my deepest most real feelings on the things that went on in my past. I have written my true feelings out on things, not holding back at all, and it has helped me get it out. I look back on some of the things I wrote and it pains me to think that that is how I feel, but at least I was honest with myself in my words I write in private. I have said all the things a person should never say in some of those writings. I have written out my anger. It helped me tremendously. I balance it out with good things took tho. I have my negative thoughts older, and I keep a positive thoughts folder. Once I got passed the horror show of thoughts I had about my "upbringing" and started to write about the good stuff I had overcome/accomplished I don't ever go back to the "bad folder." I got it off my chest by writing out ALL my pain and anger. I highly encourage you to continue to write. Try doing it in private as well. Start a journal.It really does help.
It has always given me some comfort when people understand what Ive been through and what I go through. We share more in common than I have revealed. Just know.....I understand. You're feelings and thoughts here are completely valid. I've been through similar stuff. I'm glad you do have a good heart about it even still. Having gone through a lifetime of struggle brought on by someone with their own issues, but yet still having love in your heart.....that is an amazing, thing and you should be most proud of that. And FYI, I can see that love in your heart through your words.
Thank you, I feel validated too, it helps tremendously. I will start writing in a journal as well, I think it's a great idea and therapeutic. The last paragraph made me smile . Off course the best hug I gave my dad was on his deathbed in hospital. He was vulnerable and I felt true love for him, and for the first time I told him I loved him and he said it back. Sad, but at least we had that moment.
I need to give that a simple, amen. Made me smile.