As all of you have followed along with my ramblings you all have seen a good glimpse into my life. I have used this site to sort some things out, say things I can't say and discuss things i cant anywhere else. This is the one bugaboo about solitude. No one to talk to.
You all have been the crutch on which I've leaned.
I'd like to put this all into perspective for you. I have made some decisions and am going to start making them happen soon. I hope I can put this behind me very soon.
But, this is the situation.
2012
I end up getting myself into a spot of trouble. I had spent about 90 days in jail for some dumb crap I pulled. I did my time, got out and never did that again.
When I got out I went back to live with my mom and dad deep in the nowhere of the woods of GA. Nothing to do but rot out here. I'm not a hunter and so I didn't fit in.
I get a job and start to work. I am working for a couple of months. My dad had actually been taking me to work every day because I had a license suspension. I was on my way to getting myself put back together from my own mess.
My dad starts to get sick during this time. He's getting worse and fast. It gets to a point he can no longer drive me to work. As we struggle to get me to work, the company I work for shuts down. Dad steadily gets worse. He ends up having a ulcer the size of a golf ball right in the pit if his stomach. The valve that connects to stomach to small intestines. Tye jujatnam valve (best attempt of spelling). He steadily gets worse and worse to the point he becomes immobile. I end up having to be his bed side nurse. Meanwhile my mom is wacked out of her mind on Xanax and all matter of prescriptions. She's of no help and is actually just more work. So, I am taking care of my dying father and my wacked out doped up mom.
This is a nightmare that lasts 3.5 years.
Summer of 2015 dad finally gets a surgery and he is able to eat without a feeding tube. He has been starving to death for 3 years now, and when the man could eat.....the man ate. And ate. And ate.
I was a chef as a young man and so I cooked him every cuisine from every part of the world I could come up with. I cooked for him 10 times in one day sometimes. He went from starving to death to getting some weight back on him and some strength returned. Dad was 5'7" maybe 150lbs his adult life. He got down to 77lbs. He was literally skin and bones.
Once he was up beboping around and could manage getting around rhe house on his own I set my sights on getting the hell out of this prison of health care and torment of my mom going crazy all the wwhile.
I jump on a dating site for the first time and meet a nice girl actually. I ended up moving in with her after dating a few months and living with and dating her for 3 years. The relationship takes a turn and we split.
I go back home around July of 2018.
Dad dies in September 2018.
By November I haul ass back to my home state. I had started a new relationship with an old flame from back home. I get back home and find work and my life takes off again.
January 2019 I'm in the hospital. Dying. From "digestive issues."
This was after everything I had watched my father go thru. Now it's me in the hospital.
This goes on for a while. I end up losing job after job due to the fact I'm in the hospital every other month for a week.
Long story short there, I end up getting fixed up, but had been back staying with my mom in GA. I couldn't get back on my feet and fight for my life at the same time.
Here's my issue.
I am now taking care of my mother, with her being disabled and unable to care for this big house and huge property.
(For those who don't know both my mom and dad abused me. I've taken care of my father until his death and now I'm doing the same for her)
My mom has been missing my dad, and feeling lonely. She has been dating. I support this full heartedly.
However...
I am currently watching my abusive mother go all around with all these different men,and making these horrific decisions, and even being reckless with meeting strangers online and these strange men are just showing up here, and I'm just expected to protect her from all of this. She has moved 4 men into this home. Every single time a man ends up living here, I end up homeless. The situations have been so bad and she keeps doing the same reckless things, and I have zero control. I am all for people living their own lives and all that, but these are mistakes I never would have made. And I'm an idiot. And still know better than this. I have had to run a few of them off because of dangerous situations.
I'm telling you this rogue-nation because, yes, this is driving me crazy. It's been traumatic. One year on my birthday I walk out from just waking up in the morning. She hints that she wants me to cook for her and one of her dates. On my birthday. She even says, "he wants to have rice and tomatoes." She literally thinks I'm am ass because I found this to be offensive and hurtful. All I can do is voice this like a child to get her to understand. But she doesn't. I could share way too many more stories like this. And this isn't that bad compared to others.
I ended up in a psych ward about 2 years ago. I had fallen back into old abuse. Abuse I hadn't been through since I was 16 and moved out.
And it keeps happening. The things she can expect, and say, and do can traumatize you. It's so offensive, and so selfish that it can break you. Knowing this person doesn't love anyone is bad enough. But to endure this like this has been the most toxic adult experience of my life. Every single therapist I had spoken to while in the psych ward, and sharing all of what's been going on, they all told me I'm being put through old trauma and I need to leave that situation immediately; and even completely turn my back on my mom.
Every fiber of my being knows this is what I need and should do. If this was anyone else I'd be long gone.
But this is my mom. My main abuser. If I'm still here, it's because of God and the "honor thy mother and father." I feel like I honored my dad by helping him thru his health issues and into his passing, and I feel that it is my duty to do the same for my mom.
But this trauma shi* has to stop or I am going to completely break my brain.
My two sisters, my son, my nieces and nephews don't have anything to do with her. No one does. She'd have no one to help except some random dude she .eets online. The dudes she's bringing around are scum. Taking all her stuff and spending all her money. All while I care for this home, her, her two cars and her 3 acres.
Some random dude can come along and become king of this castle from the moment he sets foot in here. And they have ALL had this mentality.
I even had one pull a knife on me last year and I ended up becoming homeless and dependent on total (lying) strangers.
Things have been quiet for a minute. But she's met someone new now. This concerns me because I'm always harshly affected.
What would you do? Would you not put up with it, and leave? Or would you learn the "long-suffering" fruit?
But this is why, Rogue-Nation. It's too much, and I just want to have some structure and not feel these old feelings I hadn't been through since a child.
I'm having childhood flashbacks constantly in these situations.
I know this for certain. This isn't healthy for me and is the definition of toxic, and the only way for it to stop is to run and don't look back.
But if I leave I'm afraid someone will hurt her. Then I would be the ass.
What to do....
You all have been the crutch on which I've leaned.
I'd like to put this all into perspective for you. I have made some decisions and am going to start making them happen soon. I hope I can put this behind me very soon.
But, this is the situation.
2012
I end up getting myself into a spot of trouble. I had spent about 90 days in jail for some dumb crap I pulled. I did my time, got out and never did that again.
When I got out I went back to live with my mom and dad deep in the nowhere of the woods of GA. Nothing to do but rot out here. I'm not a hunter and so I didn't fit in.
I get a job and start to work. I am working for a couple of months. My dad had actually been taking me to work every day because I had a license suspension. I was on my way to getting myself put back together from my own mess.
My dad starts to get sick during this time. He's getting worse and fast. It gets to a point he can no longer drive me to work. As we struggle to get me to work, the company I work for shuts down. Dad steadily gets worse. He ends up having a ulcer the size of a golf ball right in the pit if his stomach. The valve that connects to stomach to small intestines. Tye jujatnam valve (best attempt of spelling). He steadily gets worse and worse to the point he becomes immobile. I end up having to be his bed side nurse. Meanwhile my mom is wacked out of her mind on Xanax and all matter of prescriptions. She's of no help and is actually just more work. So, I am taking care of my dying father and my wacked out doped up mom.
This is a nightmare that lasts 3.5 years.
Summer of 2015 dad finally gets a surgery and he is able to eat without a feeding tube. He has been starving to death for 3 years now, and when the man could eat.....the man ate. And ate. And ate.
I was a chef as a young man and so I cooked him every cuisine from every part of the world I could come up with. I cooked for him 10 times in one day sometimes. He went from starving to death to getting some weight back on him and some strength returned. Dad was 5'7" maybe 150lbs his adult life. He got down to 77lbs. He was literally skin and bones.
Once he was up beboping around and could manage getting around rhe house on his own I set my sights on getting the hell out of this prison of health care and torment of my mom going crazy all the wwhile.
I jump on a dating site for the first time and meet a nice girl actually. I ended up moving in with her after dating a few months and living with and dating her for 3 years. The relationship takes a turn and we split.
I go back home around July of 2018.
Dad dies in September 2018.
By November I haul ass back to my home state. I had started a new relationship with an old flame from back home. I get back home and find work and my life takes off again.
January 2019 I'm in the hospital. Dying. From "digestive issues."
This was after everything I had watched my father go thru. Now it's me in the hospital.
This goes on for a while. I end up losing job after job due to the fact I'm in the hospital every other month for a week.
Long story short there, I end up getting fixed up, but had been back staying with my mom in GA. I couldn't get back on my feet and fight for my life at the same time.
Here's my issue.
I am now taking care of my mother, with her being disabled and unable to care for this big house and huge property.
(For those who don't know both my mom and dad abused me. I've taken care of my father until his death and now I'm doing the same for her)
My mom has been missing my dad, and feeling lonely. She has been dating. I support this full heartedly.
However...
I am currently watching my abusive mother go all around with all these different men,and making these horrific decisions, and even being reckless with meeting strangers online and these strange men are just showing up here, and I'm just expected to protect her from all of this. She has moved 4 men into this home. Every single time a man ends up living here, I end up homeless. The situations have been so bad and she keeps doing the same reckless things, and I have zero control. I am all for people living their own lives and all that, but these are mistakes I never would have made. And I'm an idiot. And still know better than this. I have had to run a few of them off because of dangerous situations.
I'm telling you this rogue-nation because, yes, this is driving me crazy. It's been traumatic. One year on my birthday I walk out from just waking up in the morning. She hints that she wants me to cook for her and one of her dates. On my birthday. She even says, "he wants to have rice and tomatoes." She literally thinks I'm am ass because I found this to be offensive and hurtful. All I can do is voice this like a child to get her to understand. But she doesn't. I could share way too many more stories like this. And this isn't that bad compared to others.
I ended up in a psych ward about 2 years ago. I had fallen back into old abuse. Abuse I hadn't been through since I was 16 and moved out.
And it keeps happening. The things she can expect, and say, and do can traumatize you. It's so offensive, and so selfish that it can break you. Knowing this person doesn't love anyone is bad enough. But to endure this like this has been the most toxic adult experience of my life. Every single therapist I had spoken to while in the psych ward, and sharing all of what's been going on, they all told me I'm being put through old trauma and I need to leave that situation immediately; and even completely turn my back on my mom.
Every fiber of my being knows this is what I need and should do. If this was anyone else I'd be long gone.
But this is my mom. My main abuser. If I'm still here, it's because of God and the "honor thy mother and father." I feel like I honored my dad by helping him thru his health issues and into his passing, and I feel that it is my duty to do the same for my mom.
But this trauma shi* has to stop or I am going to completely break my brain.
My two sisters, my son, my nieces and nephews don't have anything to do with her. No one does. She'd have no one to help except some random dude she .eets online. The dudes she's bringing around are scum. Taking all her stuff and spending all her money. All while I care for this home, her, her two cars and her 3 acres.
Some random dude can come along and become king of this castle from the moment he sets foot in here. And they have ALL had this mentality.
I even had one pull a knife on me last year and I ended up becoming homeless and dependent on total (lying) strangers.
Things have been quiet for a minute. But she's met someone new now. This concerns me because I'm always harshly affected.
What would you do? Would you not put up with it, and leave? Or would you learn the "long-suffering" fruit?
But this is why, Rogue-Nation. It's too much, and I just want to have some structure and not feel these old feelings I hadn't been through since a child.
I'm having childhood flashbacks constantly in these situations.
I know this for certain. This isn't healthy for me and is the definition of toxic, and the only way for it to stop is to run and don't look back.
But if I leave I'm afraid someone will hurt her. Then I would be the ass.
What to do....
They live.
We sleep.
We sleep.
![[Image: b7mjl2.png]](https://iili.io/b7mjl2.png)