My Shrinking Circle

[GeauxHomeLittleD]

Today is the birthday of someone I was close to from the first day of 1st grade until I was around 30-ish when we became people who just waved and said "Hello!" when we saw each other in passing. When I realized it is her birthday today my first instinct was to call and wish her a happy birthday until common sense flooded back into my brain with a reality check that screamed "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

There are many people who I have known most of my (about to be 57 years) life. Some I still have relationships with but with most I do not. This is intentional. Some of us grew as people over the years but the majority never did and are stuck in the same mentality they've had since their early years. Just like the "friend" in question most are still closed minded, liars, manipulators, cheaters, moochers, users and horrible gossips. Why would I be friends with people like that to start with? Well, when you grow up in a household full of the same you believe it is normal and in a small town pickings are slim.

Small town mentality is not a myth, it is very real. I never had that mentality myself and never really understood it (thanks to being raised for several years by my granny and due to much travel that showed me life doesn't have to be that way), I only knew that as I matured I had less and less tolerance for that sort of behavior and all of the drama that comes along for the ride. As the years passed I reached that point of "the straw that broke the camel's back" with the majority of people whom I had been friends with practically forever. Don't get it twisted though, I may be an extremely nice person most of the time but when I've reached that point of "Enough!" I will cut you out of my life and ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence!  

I haven't been down home to visit in over two years. If it weren't for our middle daughter and grandson it wouldn't bother me to never visit again. When we have gone to visit in the past there has only been one friend that I've gone out of my way to visit and she passed earlier this year. We probably wont go back until one of my parents or step-dad passes, mainly to be there for my daughter. 

So my circle is shrinking smaller and smaller and in my opinion that's not a bad thing. I can love people from a distance without allowing their drama to disturb my peace. As I barrel down the road toward what I hope to be my "Golden Years" I have chosen quality over quantity. It's not a matter of forgiveness, if people haven't changed and grown in well over 50 years they're probably never going to. Over the years I've tried to remember the good times but when I've spoken with old "friends" as soon as they open their mouths it is evident nothing has changed so in my own best interest I just don't speak. To be honest since I moved away 10 years ago my life has been more peaceful and happy than it ever was before. 

So here's to my shrinking circle and happy birthday to all my former friends! I hope they're all eating well- just not at my table.

[VioletDove]

Being out of the drama is nice. 

I’ve never really had a circle. I’ve just never fit in with the people around here. Most of them formed their little groups in school and act like they didn’t mature beyond that. I was never really a part of any of the groups. I was nice to everyone but I just didn’t have much to talk about with them because my interests were elsewhere. There just wasn’t many that wanted to talk about Bigfoot, UFOs or any other strange and unusual things. 

Then after I started working, I found out fast that work friends are not your friends and you have to watch everything you say or do around them. Even when we were social during the time I worked there, after one of us would leave the relationship would just drift away. 

So I just keep a few people close. I’ll still wave or say hi when I see people I know but I prefer to be home, hanging out with my dogs and sometimes the cats, when they’re not being little assholes.

[GeauxHomeLittleD]

With me it's just that as I've gotten older I have found that the words of wisdom given to me by my mama become more and more relevant with every year that passes:

If you lie down with dogs you get fleas!

When you spend time and/or talk to people who have such negative behavior it rubs off on you. Your positivity never rubs off on them, somehow they just end up twisting it into even more negativity. Like when you try to give someone a helping hand and then they expect more and more and more from you until your cup is empty and you have no more to give so then they start talking trash about you to anyone who will listen, even straight up lying to try to turn people against you- and people just LOVE to believe the worst and spread it down the grapevine. 

I only have a limited amount of time left on this Earth and I refuse to waste any more of it on that kind of bullshit.

[BIAD]

Happy Birthday!

[Freija]

I’ve never really had a circle but I’ve still had some drama.

With my school age years of being an outcast and thusly dubbed a loner with both being fully enhanced by being an only child with special needs and moving several times a year until I was in junior high, the knack of making friends was a skill I never really acquired or developed.

Sure, I’ve had many acquaintances and casual friends but people have come in and out of my life like seasons that once past are mostly forgotten save for maybe some occasional highlighted memories or experiences further confirming that broken part of me has never healed or grown.

Case in point: after a good ten years of near total social isolation except for a few persistent business contacts, I began venturing out in the world and became a regular at a small, where-everyone-knows-your-name type neighborhood dive bar. Eventually, I befriended a girl some 24 years younger and over time, this grew into something that became important to me but I always kept a certain distance because in the real world I am pretty reluctant to let people broach my lofty walls.

We had things in common despite the age gap but in other areas, mainly politics, we were polar opposites and often argued the subject. She was from a traditional white bread Republican family that even lived her whole life in the same house until she was an adult and lacked many of my more, shall we say “worldly” experiences but we still got along despite our differences.

We were both blondes, reasonably pretty and popular, liked to drink & smoke weed, music and chatting up the boys and generally acted as each other’s back up or wing ma’am at the bar if you will. I was more the quiet listener and observer while she was the outgoing non-stop talker but we were almost always together.

I was kind of in awe of all her affairs and hook-ups which she couldn’t wait to regale me with every intimate detail of and I became somewhat of her counselor, maybe somewhat of a fun mom figure and refuge while perhaps also living vicariously through some of her exploits. She’d come to my house and cry on my shoulder and would stay for days and sometimes a week at a time and I became quite fond of her and comfortable with her being around as drama filled as it all was.

After two years of this, of building trust and confidence, I finally filled in some of the intentionally omitted and more private details about my life. For me, this opening up is kind of the final barrier to letting someone really know me and taking things to a higher level. It takes a lot for me to deal with this.

I was all good and maybe brought us closer and was really more irrelevant than anything and we carried on the same for another two years and when she wasn’t with one of her boyfriends or was fighting with them, she was at my house for days without end to the point we were almost roommates.

Then one night, we met this charming and funny and very attractive guy we were both kind of taken by and as he was close to her age and I could have been his mother and as I saw the spark between them in spite of being a bit envious, I knew right away they were going to be together or at lease hook up until one of them got bored. (kids, sheesh!)

At this point in time, on the weekends when the bar closed, people were coming to my house to after party and when she wanted to bring this handsome stranger we’d just met, I said okay and that was pretty much all she wrote. They became an instant couple.

For the next six months or so the two of them were at my house every weekend when we’d party until dawn and beyond but for a while until things really solidified between them and she made up her mind what she was doing with him, she was still sleeping on my couch a couple times a week. Then she got pregnant at 40 years old and for me, that was the end of the line. I had never really given her much credit for being smart but to me, this was the ultimate display of irresponsibility, stupidity and selfishness and combined with a few other things that happened, I ended our friendship and cut things off between us completely so she could get on with her new life.

I will add in here that a lot to do with this is my own feelings of inadequacy or jealously or maybe it’s even the dysphoria brought up by not being able to have my own children plus the fact that the last pregnant person I was around, I ended up getting too involved and took over raising her baby as my own and I didn’t want that to happen again even though I couldn’t love my surrogate daughter and grandson more and am ever so grateful for the experience.

I’ve spoken to this former friend less than half a dozen times In the last nearly two years. Three months after her baby was born she called to tell me she was pregnant again (at 42) and all I could do was shake my head and politely wish her good luck.

People change and situations change. The things we shared and did together and all the things we had in common disappeared rather quickly and it became evident to me I am the same shitty person I’ve always been when it comes to friendships and even though at the time I felt a great deal of intimacy with her, in the end it was all situational and superficial. At times I really miss her. Even making any sort of friendships with other women is really hard for me and I do have good memories but with yet another failure and complete disillusionment in bar life, I am back to living in total social withdrawal and isolation and making peace with that as I expect nothing but the same until I die.

I do like to think I have one friend but it is more complicated than that and more like family to me than friend and that’s the stupid man I met almost 40 years ago that has truly shown me what it means to love someone. Even after 26 years of divorce, other relationships for us both and him being remarried, he’s always there for me and several weeks ago when I hurt myself and couldn’t get out of bed, he dropped everything to come and help me, called me every day and came back a few more times and brought food because I couldn’t get to the store. Still though, I really miss having a woman friend and don’t see any way of ever making one again so I’ll continue distracting myself with creative and challenging hobbies and just get on with things as that weird neighborhood hermit lady that no one ever sees. I’m good with that or at least that’s what I tell myself!

[Schmoe]

Christ, GeauxHomeLittleD, it felt like I was reading my own thoughts 

I've always been the quiet one, I never could stand the loud and obnoxious ones.  There are very specific types of people I befriend, and stay friends with.  I hate cliques.  Even in high school, I would hang out with different types.  I had a few buddies from my hockey team, a few nerd friends, a few stoner friends, etc.

I'm sure we all experience getting older, and falling out with those friends.  We all have responsibilities now, families, and little time for anything else.  I don't speak with my family, either.  I have the same type you have, and it just dawned on me one day that I'm better off without them.  My wife and kids are all that matter to me.  Sometimes I'll miss my family members, but it's a fleeting feeling, because then I remember why I don't bother with them in the first place.

[Gordi]

"My Shrinking Circle"  ??

I think I have some ointment for that here somewhere.... no, hang on...

 

G

[Gordi]

....So here's to my shrinking circle and happy birthday to all my former friends! I hope they're all eating well- just not at my table.

I think that as we "mature" <giggles> we naturally migrate away from people who just waste our (limited) time on this blue marble.
Life is too short to throw away on wasters,
F*ck 'Em!

/rant

G

[Grace]

With me it's just that as I've gotten older I have found that the words of wisdom given to me by my mama become more and more relevant with every year that passes:

If you lie down with dogs you get fleas!

When you spend time and/or talk to people who have such negative behavior it rubs off on you. Your positivity never rubs off on them, somehow they just end up twisting it into even more negativity. Like when you try to give someone a helping hand and then they expect more and more and more from you until your cup is empty and you have no more to give so then they start talking trash about you to anyone who will listen, even straight up lying to try to turn people against you- and people just LOVE to believe the worst and spread it down the grapevine. 

I only have a limited amount of time left on this Earth and I refuse to waste any more of it on that kind of bullshit.

I can do just about anything with small town life but gossip... But honestly, I think that's everywhere it just seems more exaggerated in some small towns. 

And I say some because some are indeed worse than others. 

I do think depending on how life takes us anyone's circle will narrow. You end up with a few "real" friends and that's it...

[Chiefsmom]

Being out of the drama is nice. 

I’ve never really had a circle. I’ve just never fit in with the people around here. Most of them formed their little groups in school and act like they didn’t mature beyond that. I was never really a part of any of the groups. I was nice to everyone but I just didn’t have much to talk about with them because my interests were elsewhere. There just wasn’t many that wanted to talk about Bigfoot, UFOs or any other strange and unusual things. 

Then after I started working, I found out fast that work friends are not your friends and you have to watch everything you say or do around them. Even when we were social during the time I worked there, after one of us would leave the relationship would just drift away. 

So I just keep a few people close. I’ll still wave or say hi when I see people I know but I prefer to be home, hanging out with my dogs and sometimes the cats, when they’re not being little assholes.

Geez, steal my life much?  LOL  Only thing I could add, is that I do get drawn to older people, which at my age, makes it harder, cause I am losing more friends.

[Snarl]

Relationships are major investments. When you're trying to make one work, it's hard to see how much you're putting in to it. When it fails, the apparent losses can feel shameful ... because we should have known better ... only that's not quite the way it is.

[BodhisattvaStyle]

I have to strongly agree with the fact that people will twist things; after they've used you up, or found your boundary.

I too am a loner. Truth be told I have always felt alone. Even in a crowd of people. I have had two people in this world I've been completely comfortable with, but other than that I always seem to not quite "fit in." 

I also seem to attract a type. I am the type that is (or tries to be meek) very giving. I care (too much, I think). Basically, I am soft hearted. 
I seem to attract people who want to take advantage of that. To the point I feel as if I need to stop being so caring and giving. Lately I have been taken advantage of by people who pretended to be my "friend" until I stopped giving, or didn't agree with them, or wouldn't talk smack about whoever they're mad at
 And so on. 

I am a man who has never known a stranger. I have the ability to "befriend" anyone; regardless of differences. I see people for their hearts (is how I've always put it). 

Lately, though, I have had no desire to even talk with the person standing next to me. This being not my character at all. 
I have also been single for 4+ years for the simple fact of drama. I can't stand it, and want no part of it. So, at 47 I have decided I rather live my life out being single and deal with things alone. 

My "circle" died. Best friend (my cousin) in the world, gone. For me, The fun and laughter died with him. And being that I could never replace what I had in that friendship I just sort of gave up on thinking I'd ever have a friend like that again. 

Now, don't let my sob story make you think I am unhappy. I have joy in my life. I laugh and carry on as I always have. It's just different now.

So, I get it. I've tried a couple times in the last few years to bond with someone. But, it has bitten me in the ass each time.

I'm 47, and I've simply just given up. I've learned to be happy on my own.

That may seem sad, but my joy comes from seeing others happy and blessed. And my overflowing joy comes from helping others; any way I can. 

(Hint: "Bodhisattva"Style)

[Snarl]

I'm 47, and I've simply just given up. I've learned to be happy on my own.

We'd get along just fine IRL. Funny how that works between guys. No drama. No expectations. No overhead. No baggage.

Good times ... Noodle salad. 

[ANNEE]

With me it's just that as I've gotten older I have found that the words of wisdom given to me by my mama become more and more relevant with every year that passes:

If you lie down with dogs you get fleas!

When you spend time and/or talk to people who have such negative behavior it rubs off on you. Your positivity never rubs off on them, somehow they just end up twisting it into even more negativity. Like when you try to give someone a helping hand and then they expect more and more and more from you until your cup is empty and you have no more to give so then they start talking trash about you to anyone who will listen, even straight up lying to try to turn people against you- and people just LOVE to believe the worst and spread it down the grapevine. 

I only have a limited amount of time left on this Earth and I refuse to waste any more of it on that kind of bullshit.

When my kids were young, we lived on a Cul-de-sac.

I went to the mom's morning coffee klatch one time.  That was enough.

"No fleas here"

[BodhisattvaStyle]

I'm 47, and I've simply just given up. I've learned to be happy on my own.

We'd get along just fine IRL. Funny how that works between guys. No drama. No expectations. No overhead. No baggage.

Good times ... Noodle salad. 

Noodle salad, bruh.