I can relate to a lot of what you've said here. I've vented all over this place recently, and yes, I was glad that I could at least lay it all out somewhere and get it all off of my chest.
Depression is a monster that is hard to shake. Like OL, said you aren't alone. I myself went through a long stretch of the absolute darkest depression I had ever faced just recently. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. To the point of that "no other choice" "no other way to stop it" voice kept nagging at me. That weight you're talking about here is very similar to what I was carrying, and it had just become too heavy, and I had been carrying it for too long. I really almost gave up. I hung in there, and held on to my faith, and also held on to hope.
I came out of it, AL, and when I did I felt stronger than I ever had. I dealt with the pain and the reality of it all. I had to accept it. Once I did that the skies cleared up and the sun came back out. I felt that weight lifted off of me. I could breathe again.
This doesn't mean that I have it all figured out. It doesn't mean the pain is gone, or that I have come to understand any of it any better, and no, nothing is really better about the situation at all. Right now though, today, I am content and at peace. I'll deal with the next storm when it comes.
I'm telling you this because I wanted to remind you that there is hope. We may not be able to fix everything, but we can make peace with the things we can't fix or change. I'm just now coming to this, and have realized that this is what had been holding me back.
I was in rehab by the time I was 22 and I learned this prayer way back then, and it has stuck with me all of these years because it is the perfect request in these situations. Even if you don't believe in God, the lesson is still solid.
It's called the "serenity prayer."
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
May peace find you soon...
Depression is a monster that is hard to shake. Like OL, said you aren't alone. I myself went through a long stretch of the absolute darkest depression I had ever faced just recently. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. To the point of that "no other choice" "no other way to stop it" voice kept nagging at me. That weight you're talking about here is very similar to what I was carrying, and it had just become too heavy, and I had been carrying it for too long. I really almost gave up. I hung in there, and held on to my faith, and also held on to hope.
I came out of it, AL, and when I did I felt stronger than I ever had. I dealt with the pain and the reality of it all. I had to accept it. Once I did that the skies cleared up and the sun came back out. I felt that weight lifted off of me. I could breathe again.
This doesn't mean that I have it all figured out. It doesn't mean the pain is gone, or that I have come to understand any of it any better, and no, nothing is really better about the situation at all. Right now though, today, I am content and at peace. I'll deal with the next storm when it comes.
I'm telling you this because I wanted to remind you that there is hope. We may not be able to fix everything, but we can make peace with the things we can't fix or change. I'm just now coming to this, and have realized that this is what had been holding me back.
I was in rehab by the time I was 22 and I learned this prayer way back then, and it has stuck with me all of these years because it is the perfect request in these situations. Even if you don't believe in God, the lesson is still solid.
It's called the "serenity prayer."
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
May peace find you soon...
They live.
We sleep.
We sleep.