(07-04-2024, 12:31 AM)NightskyeB4Dawn Wrote: Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that your childhood was so cruel. I will pray for you to be able to overcome what you have endured and that you will be victorious.

(07-04-2024, 01:08 AM)nerb Wrote: Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and feeling on this here.

I relate to a lot of it on a personal level.

We have hidden strengths, but they came at a cost and are often hard to implement in a world gone mad.

Better that world than none eh?

Peace to you all.

(07-03-2024, 11:27 PM)FlickerOfLight Wrote: I'd like to share an insight that most will never see; thankfully. 

I want to tell you what it's like for someone living with Borderline personality disorder. 

I do not wish to show you this from a mostly scientific standpoint. I'd like to share my own thoughts as I have been carrying this load through my life.

Since I have come to completely see the sham of the entire medical field, and having studied psychology a good bit, I do not wish to explain what this is using only their terms. 

I'm going to say it easy enough for a child to understand. 

First off:
Trauma 

Trauma, especially at an early age can really mess up someone's mind. We don't really fully understand Trauma and all that is going on.

One traumatic experience at a young age will completely rewire a brain. All at once. 

Then we have recurring trauma. When someone is Enduring the same trauma over and over.

This really messes up the mind. 

Now say, a child is raised with a completely controlling mother and father. So controlling that every single thing you do is micromanaged and berated because "you're not good enough to do it exactly like they want it." This child can never live up to any expectations their "parents" desire.

And so they abuse by telling their child how much of a "piece of shit" they are because they didn't pick up their toys "right." These types of "parents" will even ridicule a child's eating habits. Don't smack, don't bite the spoon, don't use your right hand, don't cough don't blink-----basically everything this child does is "wrong" and they are "stupid."


This may not seem like much, but what is happening here is the mind of this child is being programmed to believe ALL OF THIS.

"Parents" like this will make a child feel like every thought they have is stupid. Every idea. Every truth this child sees is wrong. And they are right. Always. 

When it comes time this child grows up and starts making decisions for themselves, no matter what decisions this child makes, they are always wrong. And stupid. 

This child who is wanting to grow up and make their own decisions are being programmed to think that they don't know how to make decisions. Any decisions this child makes is going to destroy because their incapable of making any "good" decisions. 

This gets programmed into the decision making part of the brain that's starting to really develop around 7 years old. This programming isn't just programmed into the mind. No. This programming comes with experienceS. This has been programmed into the DNA at this point.

These "parents" have actually created a non functioning human. Growing up believing that they are incapable. At all things.

This person grows up and develops either bpd or narcissism as a defense mechanism. The numbers show the vast majority of people who experience this develop narcissism. 

BPD is known as "failed narcissism."

You see, the mind of this child is trying to protect itself. Narcissism helps keep this child from being hurt by the awful things being said and done to them. These individuals detach their emotions when it comes to others.

Consider BPD as the opposite of this.

We protect ourselves with our emotions. BPD requires an IQ of at least 136.

The part of the brain that controls emotions gets broken from the continuous trauma, and so instead of having just a little bit of anger or sadness, and yes on the flip side---joy and happiness. We get flooded with emotions that we have to learn to control, when the very part of the brain that controls emotions is BROKEN due to abuse of the mind. Simply "controlling" your emotions is impossible. 

It's like telling a person to hammer in a nail with no hammer.

These individuals feel very deeply. They love deeply due to the excess of emotions. We are empaths. We feel other people's emotions. We can actually feel other people's pain and joys. We can both laugh and cry with others as they laugh or cry for themselves. This makes us great comforters to others. We can connect with others on a deeper level than the 99% of the rest, because one thing we know is empathy.

Empathy is the super power of the person with BPD.

We can feel vibrational shifts.
Like standing in a crowd of people, listening and observing, and one single person gets offended, even showing only the tiniest physical signs, we can pick up on the tiniest shift in vibrations and know exactly when someone gets "hurt" no matter how good they are at "hiding it."

So, we do, in fact, love very deeply. 

The toughest battle I have felt is a broken heart. A broken spirit. These things crushed me as a child. I developed under this hurting. I have cried an ocean of tears in my time here. Both for myself, and as equally and as passionately for others as well.

If you're around me, and you are hurting, I am hurting. If you drop tears, I drop tears. No one has ever gone through that "alone" when I was even in the vaccinity. I've done thos total strangers I've walked by.

This is my blessing, as well as my burden. 

After Enduring a lifetime of this, and growing up in a time when we had none of thos information, and no one even understood BPD was back then, I have dealt with one thing most of all.

Suicidal ideation. 

I have battled punching my own clock my entire life.

I couldn't even tell you the number of times I've considered it. And almost went for it.


Carrying the hurt, that my life started with, and being raised under constant abuse, and yeah, there was physical abuse as well, but living this a entire  lifetime has been exhausting. I have been saying "I'm so tired" since before I even became a man.




Fortunately I have been strong. It would be weak of me to do anything like that. Had I not had faith in God my entire* life, I wouldn't be writing this for you.


The truth is I am sad. Watching this world, and how people treat one another, how they fight over the pettyist of things, and how badly people can hurt one another for something as mundane as ego, has been too much for this man's heart. And I uvave felt that pain my whole life, Rogue-Nation. This isn't to say that I haven't had good moments or times of joy in my life. Because I have. Lots of them. But not nearly enough. Because of the pettiness of "man." So many moments just robbed of their good pleasure, all because of an ego or pride or greed or hate.

In my eyes, this has been ridiculous from day one.

And it's gotten worse with that hate and violence. Everyone's so ready to "kill, steal, or destroy." And they all believe they have a good reason.

What I wanted was a life of peace and happiness. I figured put very quickly that this was a pipe dream and I would never obtain it in this world and this life.

I have learned to cling to the Lord. That has Proven to be More than enough to sustain me. And even though I do feel this great sadness for this world, I do feel a joy and a comfort knowing I have faith, and what my faith is in.

I won't preach, but to the reader, yes, that has always been my saving Grace.


For one reason and one reason alone, I will stick around until my God punches my clock. He's done saved my life too many times for me to not think there is a purpose for having me around. This is my Comfort. I'll stay for Him.


I had also simply wanted "love."

This was something I had never really felt before.

I tried romantic love so many times and failed so many times that I just never found that "love" I was looking for.


Until I truly found God; after searching more and more for him.


Without that, RN.....I would be gone.


With all this said, I am at peace. I am not happy, by any means, at least not at anything I am seeing. But, I am not bitter. I still have that same love that I've always had for others in my heart. This is how I know I've Overcome.


I may sound like a child here with all of this, but this is the purest, and most honest I have ever been with this.

I have faced my demon, ladies and gentlemen. 

And I've won.

Cheers

This is life with BPD. 
Thanks for reading. 
I hope this may help someone someday. That's the only reason I've shared this.

Be blessed.