Quote:NORFOLK, Va. — Fresh from announcing the name of the Navy’s next amphibious assault ship, Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro surprised sailors at Naval Station Norfolk by revealing additional vessels for the planned Despair-class of surface combatants.

“I know it’s tradition to name our amphibs after past victories,” said Del Toro. “But we haven’t really put a ‘W’ on the board recently. So the Navy’s top leaders and I decided that a ship class that reminds its occupants of endless hardship for fewer explainable reasons the longer things went on was a better tribute to the last 20 years of American military performance. I’m pleased to tell you that the USS Helmand Province will soon be joined by a sister ship, the USS Hamid Karzai International Airport.”

Del Toro noted that in recent years, Navy leadership has been increasingly hard-pressed to conjure positive examples of American arms. So it has decided to name ships after aspects of military life to which all servicemembers can relate.

“I tell you, we went through a lot of introspection trying to figure out why we’d run out of successful campaigns to name our ships after,” Del Toro said. “Ultimately we decided it was a combination of tragic mistakes by mid-level leaders and junior troops combined with Gen Z’s lack of adulting skills and in no way a reflection of decades of corruption, failed accountability, and lack of oversight on the part of the Navy, or really, the American defense establishment in general. Anyway, we still needed ship names. So we decided that new Despair-class vessels would be the floating embodiment of the Defense Department’s 21st-century zeitgeist.”

According to Del Toro, each ship will be custom-made as a living interactive experience of its namesake.

“Take the Hamid Karzai—the ship’s air wing offers free rides in aircraft wheel wells and on Friday nights there’s a fun hide-and-seek for a suicide bomber you’re not allowed to shoot. Then when the suicide bomber kills all your friends, you can take a trip to the bridge where the commanding officer—wearing a Frank McKenzie mask—tells you it’s not his fault your buddies are red mist and by the way, you’re not allowed to talk about it. Oh, and you’ll love our multimedia room where you can watch your former interpreter whose Special Immigrant Visa is still awaiting approval get dismembered in 4KHD.”

The names of other future vessels hearken back to fond memories for many veterans of the GWOT. The USS Green on Blue Incident and USS Turn a Blind Eye to Open Pedophilia capture the high points of many an OEF deployment, whereas the USS Burn Pit bridges the experience of both Iraq and Afghanistan.

“The Burn Pit is actually a great deal for the American taxpayer,” Del Toro said proudly. “It’s a converted Admiral Kuznetsov-class coal-powered aircraft carrier we got from the Russians in exchange for promising to never let Tucker Carlson back into their country. And we’ll save a ton of money on the back end because we certainly won’t be paying benefits for lung, heart, and brain diseases from sucking down exhaust fumes.”

Del Toro said the Navy was also considering a new line of Misery-class hospital ships sponsored by the Department of Veterans Affairs.


“The class leader will be the USNS We Rate You 30% For Being a Quadruple Amputee, followed by the USNS 22 A Day. The 22 A Day has a lot of amenities: each cabin is equipped with a noose and a hold music playlist just long enough to make you want to use it.”

According to Del Toro, Navy leaders are still developing a full list of future ship names, some of which would capture the more mundane aspects of military life. Top candidates include the USS Get Your Hands Out of Your Fucking Pockets, USS Leave Request to Attend Your Mom’s Funeral is Denied, and USS Triple Divorcee.

At press time, Del Toro said that all the new ships he had just announced a minute ago were now delayed by 50 years.

(06-02-2024, 12:05 AM)Ninurta Wrote: That's a weird sense of humor - if they have no victories to name the boat after, then they'll name 'em after the ass-whoopin's the US has taken!

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(06-02-2024, 02:57 AM)SomeJackleg Wrote: maybe stick with the tradition of naming them after presidents.
how bout the USS Slo Joe.